The Pigs roll in for ten against the Mavs. The Mavs are playing all ten against Hal. The Pigs don’t have to listen to the Mavs play Dr. John all day so maybe the Pigs have the right idea. It is a Desitively Bonnaroo day for baseball. Let’s play ten.
April 27th: Homers 0/2 singles 0/0? What kind of communist plot is this? The Mavs best bunter is Chris Davis. True story. Carlos King Carrasco against former Mav Garrett Richards. Upton hits a three run homer in the top of the fifth on a 2-6 homer 1-19. Richards is rattled and walks three straight. Hal goes to the mound and hands him a valium as Richards faces ARod (boo) with two outs and the bases loaded. ARod steps back into the dugout for a shot and flies to center. Good. I hate him too. Top of the seventh and once again Richards has loaded the bases to face ARod (boo) with two outs. The out of town Mav fans are heard to chant “let not your Uribe sized bat go flaccid at this critical juncture”. Fly to right. Good. I hate him too. Richards has walked eight and struck out six through seven innings. The Pigs do not appear to have him on a strict pitch count. An exhausted Richards gives up another 5-9 homer after his ninth walk in the top of the ninth and Hal finally pulls him. The Mavs hang on to win 6-1 behind a Carrasco three hitter. The Grumpy’s Bail Bonds player of the game goes to King Carrasco and the Betty’s Brothel blow of the game goes to Justin Upton.
April 28th: Ft. Worth’s own Yovani Gallardo against Josh Tomlin who probably comes from Eastern elite city so let’s all pull for Yovani, he is Making America Great Again. So have you guys seen the Pigs defense? Six ones, a two and Prince. We’re planning to drag bunt a lot. Unfortunately we can’t bunt worth a damn and have the ratings to prove it. Consequently it is 0-0 after six (the Mavs have had four BP home run outs so far –communist Pigs). Three more innings fly by. The Pigs are in the pen and the Mavs still have super patriot Yovani Gallardo on the hill. The Mavs have left nine on and the Pigs four. The Pigs get a two out double and pinch run for their 1 at Catcher. He gets stranded and lo and behold the pinch runner is a 1 at catcher. In the bottom of the twelfth Hunter Strickland finally replaces Gallardo. A 4-2 walk, single and pitcher X chart single loads the bases for Cervelli with one out. The Mavs bring in KRod. Cervelli chases and K’s. Prado follows with a K. I guess that explains the nickname. In the top of the 13th Upton singles, steals second and scores on a Harper 1-6 double. The Pigs miss a homer 1-9 fly, hit a double and leave him stranded and the Mavs hang on to win 1-0 in 13 innings. The Grumpy’s Bail Bonds Player of the Game goes to Harper had three of the Mavs seven hits including the game winner.
June 6th: Back in the Rastadome where the hitters have a chance, Viagra for Bats Buchholz vs. Garrett Richards who may still be winded from his April 27th start. . 5IP 12 hits and two walks for Buchholz. It’s going to take blackmail to get Buchholz a win. The rest of the game is eventless as Richards shuts the Mavs down winning 6-4 and earning the Grumpy’s Bail Bonds Player of the Game.
June 7th: Jaime Garcia (well known human trafficker – let’s all root for the Mavs) against Ft. Worth’s own Yovanni Gallardo who is Making America Great Again. The Mavs score three in the bottom of the first on a whole bunch of real cheap hits and one double. A Kendrick X and Carlos Correa error leads to two runs in the top of the third for the Pigs. The Mavs do not own a defense like the Pigs. In fact it may not be fair to call it a defense at all. James McCann sends Bernice Brewer down the slide with a solo shot in the bottom of the fifth, 4-2 and the Mavs take it 5-2. Gallardo gets the Grumpy’s Bail Bonds Player of the Game giving up four hits and a walk in six innings.
June 8th: Rich Hill vs. Carlos King Carrasco. Given that Hill is all but unhittable the Mavs management has a great promotion going today. We’re handing out Bernice Brewer Condom Dispensers (works a little like a Pez candy dispenser) to all fans over 14 (it was going to be 18 but we heard that a lot of fans were making the trip from Kentucky and in the interests of public safety we lowered the age). It is tied going to the ninth and the Pigs win after Kipnis fouls off a bunt attempt only to double when Hal took the sign off. Two insurance runs came across later and the Pigs win 7-4. Kipnis wins the Grumpy’s Bail Bonds Player of the Game going 4-5 with the big double.
July 19th: Ft. Worth’s own Yovani Gallardo against Mike Leake back in the Communist Pigsty. All kinds of squirrelly shit leads to all of the runs and it is 2-1 after eight in favor of the Pigs. Hal leaves Leake on the mound for the complete game and why not he has given up only four hits and two walks. Harper leads off. 2-2 lomax. Valencia next. Single 1-2 ground out (5-9). Split is 2. Sam Fuld pinch runs and Chris Davis who has done nothing all day comes to the plate. 6-4 CFX. Guess what he is a 1. Two outs. ARod to the plate (boo). Walk. Brad Miller pinch runs as the winning run on first. The Mavs pinch hit Kendrick for Correa (omega hits). 5-3 pitcher X. He is a 2e8 even their pitchers can field but the split is a one and in addition it is a two base error. The Mavs take the lead. I’m glad the Pigs didn’t have to see that. The Mavs lose their DH and try to hang on with a makeshift defense. The Pigs get the tying run on but he is stranded at first. The Grumpy’s Bail Bonds Player of the Game is Kendrick for hitting a groundball X to the pitcher. Only in the Pigsty. Mavs win 3-2.
July 20th: Michael Wacha (a big fan of the TV show The Bachelorette so let’s all root for the Mavs) vs. Carlos King Carrasco. Through seven it is 2-1 Mavs still clinging to a lead established on a 1-4 HR from Harper with a runner on in the first. The Pigs scored their run through so many embarrassing defensive lapses by the Mavs that I can’t bear to repeat it. Both teams are getting runners thrown out all over the place as they try to scratch out runs in this park. This park gives me a headache. The Pigs hit a ballpark homer 1-2 with a runner on in the eighth (Darren Ruf off of Hansel Robles) to win the game 3-2. Makes up a little for the last game. Ruf wins the Grumpy’s Bail Bonds Player of the Game.
July 21th: Mercifully the last game in the Pigsty. The Mav batters show up for the game drunk because hey what difference does it make? Jason Hammel against Josh Tomlin. Hammel is against radical Islam so let’s all root for the Mavs. Alas all of the rooting was for naught. Tomlin held the Mavs to two hits while striking out ten vs one walk. Lorenzo Cain was the hitting star going 3-4 with a homer but the Pigs win going away 5-0.
August 19th: Jaime Garcia, who kicks dogs so let’s all root for the Mavs, vs. Ft. Worth’s native son, Yovani Gallardo who is Making America Great Again. It was another low scoring affair. Do the Pigs play anything else? The Mavs won 3-2 with the Betty’s Brothel Blow of the Game being a 2 out single by Howie Kendrick in the bottom of the sixth to put the Mavs ahead. The other notable event was Zach Britton giving up his first run of the year in game 101 on a ballpark home run to Cain. Despite giving up nine hits in six innings, Gallardo held the Pigs to one run and wins the Grumpy’s Bail Bonds Player of the Game. 3-2 Mavs.
August 20th: Garrett Richards vs. Carlos King Carrasco. Richards doesn’t like the movie The Sandlot so let’s all root for the Mavs. The city council has declared it smoked pork butt day in Midlothian and shutdown main street (which for the most part is the city) to serve free pork butts and Shiner Bock beer to the native ensuring an enthusiastic crowd for today’s games. We’ve also suspended checking patrons for handguns when entering the ballpark because hey we support the second amendment down here. By the ninth the Mav fans are pointing the guns at the team as the Pigs just keep pounding out hits while the Mavs anemic offense has only managed three runs courtesy of rare fielding miscues by the Pigs. With the Pigs up 5-3 the Mavs lead off the ninth by asking Brad Miller to put down his copy of 50 Shades of Gray to pinch hit for Lucroy. 3-12 single. Heyward next. Fielder’s choice to second. Upton due up. 5-5 K. Harper is the last gasp. 2-10 grounder to second. Richards wins the Grumpy’s Bail Bonds Player of the Game throwing seven strong innings giving up five hits, four walks and two earned runs. As a side note, Carlos Correa is 2 for his last 69 at bats. Now that is a slump.