6/26 – Matt Garza takes the hill against Jake Odorizzi. The Mavs imported the Rhinos manager three times to confirm that the Colonel only brought 4 relievers with him. I suppose a lineup where Michael Morse hits cleanup can inspire that kind of confidence. Grumpy’s Bail Bonds is handing out free Alex Johnson tshirts to the first 20,000 in attendance to celebrate the 44th anniversary of the Angels suspending Alex Johnson after 5 benchings and 29 fines. The Sultans string together a single 1-5, single 1-9, HBP, Castellanos X (oh hide the women and the children) and an infield single for 3 in the top of the third. The Mavs answer with a trifecta of scoreless innings while the Sultans tack on three more with homers by Gordon and Gomez. The Mavs finally force the Sultans to bring in 25% of their bullpen in the eighth. Kenley Jansen comes in to pitch the last two and the Mavs lose 6-3. Alex Gordon wins the Grumpy’s Bail Bonds Player of the Game going 2-4 with a homer and two RBI’s.
6/27 – Gerritt Cole vs. Yovanni Gallardo. The good folks at the Top Hat Bar and Saloon are handing out souvenir Bill Lee cigarette lighters (useful for all kinds of cigarettes we have been told). Gerritt Cole throws a 3 hitter with the only run scoring on an Upton homer. The profligate Rhinos waste their bench strength carrying all of these needless relievers. The offensive heroics once again go to Alex Gordon who goes two for four with another homer and three RBI’s but the Grumpy’s Bail Bonds Player of the Game and the Betty’s Brothel Pitcher of the Game both go to Gerritt Cole who was seen with one of Betty’s girls after the game. We hold out hopes of scoring two runs off of him next time. Oops there goes another of Betty’s girls. Cole is holding out hopes for two as well.
9/1 – Roenis Elias vs. Wily Peralta. It is Back to School Night at the Rastadome. The first 15,000 kids under 13 will receive a complimentary Mavericks Betty’s Brothel Backpack. The Rhinos strike first with three straight singles leading to a run. The Rhinos strike second in the fourth with a Matt Kemp double, a steal of third (1-12 but Hal knows best) and a ballpark single. Suddenly in the fifth Elias, who was throwing a no-hitter, walks two and gives up a double. His arm falls off from fatigue but Rhino manager General George Patton leaves him in. Country Breakfast singles in two (not a dot hit). Old Blood and Guts heads to the mound to take Elias out and kicks his limp arm for good measure. 3-2 Mavs going to the sixth. Fangraphs has the Mavs with a 25% chance of winning because they know if we have the lead, Holland will come in and get whipped. Sparing Holland that indignity the Mavs bring in Carrasco and he gives up four quick runs including a three run homer by Alex Avila. 6-3 heading to the bottom of the sixth. In the bottom of the eighth Kendrick walks and Ozuna homers. Castellanos singles and General Patton brings in a righty to face Harper. He gets Harper but amazingly Elvis gets a hit off of a righty. The Mavs pinch hit Heyward for Country Breakfast with two on and two out. General Patton walks him intentionally. Big sissy. Brings up Lucroy with the bases juiced. Fffftttt. 6-5 heading to the top of the ninth. The Mavs bring in Britton to face the accursed Alex Avila who gets a hit, one sac bunt and a single by Markakis and the Rhino’s pad their lead. Down two Upton draws a lead off walk. The Mavs pinch hit Crush Davis looking for the two run tater but get a 3-11 HBP instead. Homer Allowed Bailey pinch runs and the Mavs put their Wong in. 1-7 single plates a run and puts Homer Allowed at third with no outs as the tying run. It also tires Jansen. Aaron Sanchez comes in. Yikes! Have you seen that card? We need an A bunter and quickly. In comes Matt Cain. The squeeze is successful. Tie game. Thank goodness it is September. We can field a line up but it involves playing Jackie F. Bradley in a tie game. After two scoreless innings the Mavs are forced to bring in Greg Holland. Meanwhile after three scoreless innings by Sanchez (who only has 33 innings) General Patton brings in Trevor Cahill. In the bottom of the thirteenth, Vazquez walks (can’t pinch run for him because Lucroy has to play first). Wong swings away because Bradley is on deck and CarGo (1e6) drops it. Second and third, nobody out and Jackie F. Bradley is due up. How can a guy with a .198 batting average be a D bunter? Rusney Castillo pinch hits for Bradley. Thank God it is September. Cahill hits him to bring up the porn star Alexi Amarista. Outfield in, infield in and Amarista hits a fly b? to left field. Vazquez is on third. Safe chance: 1-1. The Mavs hold. Bryce Harper singles through the drawn in infield. Greg Holland wins the Grumpy’s Bail Bonds Player of the Game because he didn’t get hammered for a change. Mavs win 8-7 in 13.
9/2 – Archer vs. Odorizzi – two Rays pitchers square off. The start of the game is delayed a bit while Mavs management apologizes to the PTA for the graphic on last night’s give away. Tonight’s give away is a pair of handcuffs sponsored by Grumpy’s Bail Bonds. When the phone rings, the handcuff’s spring. The Mavs score first on a Billy Butler double followed by an Elvis single that actually scored Butler from second. The Mavs then string together four more hits and take a 5-0 lead. The Rhinos get two back in the fourth including a Markakis solo shot. The Mavs lead 6-2 going to the ninth and put in all of their defense, give up to X hits and a ballpark single and Odorizzi is done for. In comes Holland. An Elvis X bails the Mavs out and they prevail 6-3. Odorizzi wins the Betty’s Brothel Pitcher of the Game going 8 innings and Elvis wins the Grumpy’s Bail Bonds Player of the Game for not choking in the clutch. Mavs win 6-3.
9/3 – Cole vs. Gallardo in the Betty’s Brothel Rubber Game. The Mavs strike first on a single, steal and single in the second. The Rhinos tie it in the fifth with a leadoff triple by Lemahieu and a single by Escobar through the drawn in infield. 1-1 heading to the bottom of the fifth. It stays that way until the ninth. Alex Gordon gets a catcher X single off of Holland but before I can bitch about my bad luck Flores swings through a hit and run and Gordon is out on a 1-4 chance to steal second. Cole gives up a hit in the ninth as Ryan Braun came into pinch run and stayed in the game to “play rightfield”. Mostly he was checking out the ballgirl though and Andrus’s hit falls in front of him. Andrus steals second. Andrus steals third. Lucroy at the plate with one out and the winning run on third. Outfield in, infield in. 5-9. Lucroy singles off of the wall. The Mavs win 2-1. Elvis wins the Grumpy’s Bail Bonds Player of the Game scoring the winning run and getting two of the Mavs seven stolen bases. The girls at Betty’s gave Cole the crabs and he was too distracted to hold well.