Monday, September 22, 2014

Inmates 4, Mavs 1

You took four out of five here.  Kind of strange actually.  You outscored me by seven in the ten games but won nine of them.

A special Inmate commentary tonight for the five game series at the Rastadome between the Inmates and the Mavs.  Hide the women and children, find a cat to kiss and holy shit let’s get going.

5/15:  Not only a great song by the Who but the date for game one of the long awaited final set of games against Hal.  Quintana takes the hill against Jeremy Guthrie who looks around at the at bat hampered lineup and says to his catcher Evan Gattis “it’s a good thing I don’t do this sober”.  Both starters suck early on and we can tell that the Inmates enjoy that more.  Segura lets a two out X roll through (we got a 1 per Hal) with the bases loaded and the Inmates are heard to holler “Fuck me”.  But Brandon Barnes fails to roll the ball park grand salami.  3-2 through 2 and the beakless chicken is already drunk.  Hal steals third 1-13 in the fourth with runners on first and second and one out.  We question whether manager Steve would have done the same but Hal knows all and Parra follows the steal with a fly ball B.  Tie game.  Steven Drew follows with the fifth 5-7 hit of the game so far and the Inmates take the lead.  But the Mavs follow up in the bottom of the fourth with an Elvis walk and Upton 2-8 tater.  These two pitchers truly stink and if we still used points they’d be long gone.  Thankfully we don’t or Guthrie would only have 40 innings pitched.  On to the fifth with the Mavs winning 5-4.  Can Guthrie get through the inning and maybe have a shot at a win?  Yes!  Clean living pays off as the Inmates call their entire lineup a bunch of limp dicks.  The Mavs go to Holland in the sixth because Hal never does and he has a lot of innings left.  Dustin Ackley (2e4) lets two straight X chart hits through.  Headley 2e13 makes his second error of the game.  Hal hates my infield.  Bases loaded one out and CarGo and Beltre coming up.  1-8 CarGo grand slam.  And Hal tells me Greg Holland is tired.  No wonder Hal never pitches him.  Barnes hits the ball park homer with no one on to get us within two but it ends there.  CarGo’s grand slam earns him the Betty’s Brothel Blow of the Game.  8-6 Inmates.

5/16:  Straily against Sorry Ass Homer Allowed Bailey (SAHAB).  Hal claims it a beautiful day for a ballgame but he always does.  In the top of the first with two outs Hal has CarGo steal third.  Once again we question whether manager Steve would do that but Hal knows all and Beltre follows with a one star single plating the first run of the game.  Hal is a communist fag but what can you do?  Then just because I called him a commie fag, Chris Davis rolls a 20 on a  homer 1-19 with two on.  Hal is a cross dressing commie fag.  Properly chastised Hal gives a Mavs a bevy of cheap hits in the bottom of the first.  Straily is chased and A. J. Ramos comes in with the Inmates down 6-1 with one out in the first.  The Inmates are heard to exclaim “Shitfuck” and having seen their magazine collection in the 90’s, this is not taken as an idle threat.  The game just moves along from there.  The Mavs win 8-1 and SAHAB now mathematically cannot lose 20 games.  That earns him the Grumpy’s Bail Bonds Player of the Game.  Notably here in game seven, the Mavs finally win a game against the Inmates.  And not a moment to soon as the Mavs GM slips the revolver back into the drawer.

8/8:  The Inmates match Jarrod Parker with Fort Worth’s Yovanni Gallardo or as the Inmates might call him Innavoy Odrallag.  Sadly Kolten Wong remains in the minors for this series too as I’m sure many NASOMA managers were wondering what the Inmates would do with an active Wong.  CarGo hits two more 1-8 homers.  Parker shuts the Mavs down and in a truly boring game the Inmates win 4-1.  CarGo wins the Grumpy’s Bail Bonds Player of the Game.  In a side note, Kendrick (2e14) makes an error and lets an X go through to help the Inmates score their other runs.  Hal is a cross dressing crack whore commie fag.

8/9:  Guthrie faces Chacin.  A game like this should draw the pitcher’s parents and that is about it.  The beakless chicken is a no show as he is passed out in Betty’s Brothel at game time.  The Inmates squander a lot of opportunities but lead 3-2 heading to the bottom of the ninth largely because they hit the ball park taters that Upton missed.  Hal brings in Inmate closer Jason Grilli for the bottom of the ninth.  Upton rolls a 3-12 line out max.  Soto up next.  Grilli whiffs him.  The Mavs pinch hit at bat challenged Jason Heyward hoping a big fly off Grilli (4-9).  6-6 whiff.  The Mavs lose their eighth out of nine against the Inmates 3-2.  Shitfuck.  The offensive stars were Rizzo and Drew who both nailed ball park taters (1-7). But Chacin wins the Grumpy’s Bail Bonds Player of the Game.
8/10:  Stults against SAHAB.  CarGo rolls his fourth 1-8 homer of the five game series.  When will this end?  Adam Jones hits another ball park homer.  When will this end?  Meanwhile Chris Davis hits two more homers and we’re tied 3-3 at the end of four.  The Inmates scratch a run in the sixth as Ackley fails to get to another X chart.  Commie fag crack whore Hal strikes again.  The Mavs make a thousand moves in the eighth and none of them work.  We leave two more runners on base.  Jim Henderson is on the mound in the bottom of the ninth as the Inmates burned through their bullpen in the eighth.  Both teams are about out of moves.  Soto whiffs on a 1-6 (batter gets his pitch but misses it).  Gattis rolls a 1-8 ground out.  But Cornbread Maxwell rolls a 4-9 walk.  Surprisingly Hal brings in yet another reliever A. J. Ramos to face Chase Headley.  Maxwell misses the steal sign.  So it is up to Headley Lamar.  3-7 whiff.  The Inmates win 4-3.  Adam Jones wins the Grumpy’s Bail Bonds Player of the Game going three for four with three RBI’s

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