The Mavs bus of strippers, coaches and players rolled in to Gotham City to play the skyscrapers via CM. Return with us first to those halcyon days of the spring of 2017 when it looked like 2018 would be a great year for the Mavs; long before Yahoo sent a daily message saying “there are issues with your fantasy baseball roster”. The strippers wore better make up then although that is a waste because no one looks at their faces anyway.
4/16: Odorizzi vs.Cole Hamels. Throwing out the first pitch is the First Lady of the United States here on Mail Order Bride night in Gotham. Unfortunately with the First Lady here security was increased so this game is being played in front of Secret Service and the First Lady and the bobble heads of the shapely Russian woman will go undistributed. Justin Upton starts the scoring with a 1-13 homer in the top of the fourth. A bit confused the First Lady was heard to shout “Goooooaaaaaalllll”. Through six the score was 1-0 with both teams squandering many chances when in the top of the seventh Chris Davis hit his 37th homerun to give the Mavs a 2-0 lead. The First Lady didn’t even look up from the eBay selection of toupees she was perusing. In the bottom of the eighth Carlos Hernandez hit a triple to drive in one and Ellsbury followed with a double to tie it. A Machado single gave the Scrapers a lead and a Jose Bootista double finished the Mavs off. Scrapers win 4-2. Hernandez wins the Grumpy’s Bail Bonds Player of the Game going 3-4 with the Game Winning Hit (although that isn’t a stat anymore).
4/17: Hammel vs. long time transvestite Kevin Gausman. It is Village People day here in Gotham. I can’t begin to describe the bobble head. Hammel gives up three in the bottom of the first because he sucks which is appropriate on this night. Chris Davis hits his 38th with a man on in the top of the second. Jedd Gyorko hits his 28th with a man on in the top off the fifth and the Mavs tack on two more including a rare play where Jackie Bradley rounded first too far on a hit. Third time this year. I suppose that is kind of rare. Mavs up 6-3. In the top of the sixth Harper hits his 24th with a man on. 8-3 Mavs. In the top of the seventh the Mavs put Wong in and you should hear the cheers from the Gotham fans. He doubles but the Mavs leave him hanging. Mavs win 8-3 and Harper wins the Grumpy’s Bail Bonds Player of the Game going 3-5 with a homer, two runs scored and 2 driven in.
4/18: Hellickson vs. Grienke in a game that the Mavs will likely just mail in. Oh the humanity. The Scrapers open the scoring stringing two hits and a grounder in to a run. The Mavs get one back but Hellickson allows three right back and it is Scrapers 4-1 after three and the Mavs have their fingers hovering over EQA because there is only so many Hellickson starts that a sober man can watch. Throwing caution to the wind the Mavs continue on a batter at a time and are rewarded with three consecutive innings where they hit in to double plays. But wait, in the immortal words of Slim Pickens “what in the wide, wide world of sports is a-going on here”, the Mavs take the lead on a HBP, x-chart hit and Chris Davis homer in the top of the eighth. Davis making a bid for the Betty’s Brothel Blow of the Game hit another straight out off of his card vs. Ryan Dull with two outs. This would be exciting except I’ve seen the Mavs bullpen in action too many times. But Strop works around two walks in the eighth and the Mavs take a lead in to the ninth and the Mavs survive forgetting to get Castellanos off the field with a lead in the ninth. 5-4 Mavs. Davis indeed wins the Betty’s Brothel Blow of the Game.
4/19: Tsunami Martinez vs. Klubot. Yikes! Thank goodness only the strippers and girlfriends are allowed to travel with the Mavs. The wives and children shouldn’t see this. Through five neither team can score. Heck the Mavs can’t even get a hit. In the sixth, Wong and Harper get hits and Correa doubles them both home and a two out single tacks on a run. In the seventh Wong and Harper get hits again and Jackie F. Bradley singles home one more. 4-0 Mavs. An error by Martinez gives the Scrapers a run in the eighth. Carlos Correa hits his 20th homer with a man on in the ninth. Mavs lead 6-1 in the ninth. A hit, walk and two errors later and Goldy is at the plate as the tying run against Matt Bush. Ballpark homer 1-5 off Goldy’s card and he gets it. Tie game. In the top of the eleventh, defensive replacement at third Jedd Gyorko hits a 3-6 homer off of Broxton. And this time the Mavs catch the ball. Mavs win 7-6. Carlos Correa wins the Grumpy’s Bail Bonds Player of the Game going 2-4 and driving in four.
4/20: In game five of the four game series it is Cotton vs. Scherzer. Brad Miller hits his 25th homer in the second and the Mavs lead 2-0. Castellanos adds a ballpark tater and it is 4-0 going to the bottom of the seventh. Lucroy doubles in one more in the eighth. Cotton throws a five hitter, walking one and striking out seven winning the Grumpy’s Bail Bonds Player of the Game. 5-0 Mavs.
9/18: In a game sponsored wholly by Betty’s Brothel everyone is eligible (the slogan down at Betty’s) and the starters are Tsunami and Klubot. Correa hits a two run homer bringing in Wong (another slogan at Betty’s) to start the scoring in the third. A single and stolen base by Correa followed by a Jackie F. Bradley two out single give the Mavs a 3-0 lead going to the bottom of the fifth. Meanwhile through six the Scrapers do not have a hit. In the seventh with two out Kipnis lines a solid single and the Gotham fans don’t even clap. Eastern elitist bastards. Chris Davis hits another straight out homer off his card and the Mavs lead 4-0. Lucroy singles and still Kluber soldiers on – Hal is a sadist. Paul Goldschmidt hits a three run homer off of Martinez in the ninth chasing him. The Mavs use three different pitchers to get the last three outs but hang on to win 4-3. Correa goes three for five with two more extra base hits to win the Grumpy’s Bail Bonds Player of the Game.
9/19: Cookie Carrasco against Max Scherzer in the final game on Nyquil Night. Kids enjoy the free samples. Carlos Correa continues his hot hitting with a two run homer in the top of the first. When will one of these Scraper aces pitch like an ace? A two out single by Kipnis after a run had already scored gives the Scrapers a 3-2 lead in the bottom of the third. A Rendon homer in the fourth gives the Scrapers a 4-2 lead and this is beginning to look more like what I expected coming in to this series. Brad Miller hits a homer 1-3 to bring the Mavs to within one heading in to the bottom of the sixth. A 6-5 Harper homer ties it in the top of the seventh. A 3-6 homer by Jackie F. Bradley gives the Mavs the lead. Once again “what in the wide, wide world of sports is a-going on here”. And why doesn’t Hal go to that awesome Scrapers bullpen? I guess because he knows Dickerson is going to hit a two out two run homer in the bottom of the eighth to give the Scrapers the lead. Hal is a cruel fascist bastard. Scherzer throws a complete game winning 6-5 and Dickerson wins the Betty’s Brothel Blow of the Game.
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