Mavs 5, Killer Bees 0

5/8 – the Killer Bees infest the Rastadome with Jared Weaver facing Jake Odorizzi on PED appreciation day leading up to the Olympics.  Chris Davis sends Betty’s well endowed sister Bernice Brewer down the slide with his 24^th homer in the bottom of the first 2-0 Mavs.  In the bottom of the third Chris Davis hits number 25.  4-0 Mavs.  After an X chart single (the third of the game for the Bees), a Chris Davis error and a De Aza ballpark homer the Bees pull to within one.  Terry Miller is heard to say “he drove in four and gave up three that is plus one”.  A fifth X chart hit and Correa error (the third of the game for the Mavs) ties the game in the sixth.  Despite the Mavs giving up two more X chart hits (when the head groundskeeper gets out of rehab maybe things will get better) it is still tied in the bottom of the ninth thanks largely to three innings of two hit relief by Liam Hendricks.  Manager Dick Cheney of the Bees leaves Liam in but after a single and a walk he tires.  George Kontos comes in to face Chris Davis with two on and one out.  Kontos uncorks a wild pitch and manager Cheney pops open the Old Grandad in the dugout and walks Davis to face Carlos Correa.  Correa hits a walk off BP homer winning both the Grumpy’s Bail Bonds Player of the Game and the Betty’s Brothel Blow of the Game.  Mavs win 8-4.

5/9 – Ubaldo Jimenez takes on Jason Hammel on Cross Dressing Appreciation Day (J. Edgar Hoover Bobblehead giveaway).  The Mav players are in dresses and heels which based on last game can’t really hurt the defense any.  Neil Walker tags Hammel with his 22^nd homer allowed in the top of the second.  The Bees string together three singles to score another run in the fifth and chase Hammel.  Meanwhile Ubaldo is untouched through four.  Make that five.  Make that six.  Make that seven.  ARod finally breaks up the no hitter with a 6-7 single 1-10 (split of 3) with one out in the eighth.  Howie Kendrick follows with a BP single and in comes Liam Hendricks again.  A Solarte X chart single loads the bases and Heyward clears them with a 5-8 double.  I’m glad the Bees weren’t here to see this travesty.  Mavs win 3-2.  Betty’s Brothel Blow of the Game to Jason Heyward.

5/10 – Jordan Zimmerman vs. the Human Five Hour Energy Drink for Bats Clay Buchholz.  Buchholz holds the Bees to just two in the first and the Mavs get one back as Jason Heyward sends Bernice Brewer down the slide.  2-1 after one.  Buchholz settles down and holds the Bees to one run in the top of the second.  The Mavs get one back as Davis sends Bernice back down the slide but leave the bases loaded.  3-2 after two.  Neither team scores for three innings in a row.  In the top of the sixth manager Chris Christie tries a one out squeeze with Chirinos that fails.  In the bottom of the sixth the Mavs get two infield hits and a walk to tire Zimmerman.  Manager Cheney brings in Joe Blanton to face Brad Miller who hits a fly ball B to tie the game 3-3.  In the bottom of the eighth Blanton hits Bryce Harper and Valencia follows with a run scoring double.  Chris Davis sends Bernice down the slide and manager Cheney reaches for his bottle Oxycodone and an underage hooker.  Mavs win 6-3.  The Grumpy’s Bail Bonds Player of the Game is Chris Davis who is 3-4 with two home runs and 3 RBIs.

8/1 – Weaver against Odorizzi on Roller Derby Appreciation Night (Betty and Bertha were both former stars of the Bay City Bombers).  The Mavs score on an Upton sacrifice fly in the bottom of the first.  The Bees counter with a run on a Neil Walker double.  In the top of the fifth the Bees take the lead on a Robinson Chirinos BP tater with a runner on.  In the bottom of the seventh ARod ties it up as he sends Bernice down the slide with a runner on for his 24^th homer of the year.  3-3.  In the bottom of the eighth Lucroy chases Weaver with a double.  Manager Dick Cheney goes to Liam Hendricks and the Mavs counter by putting Wong in.  A Solarte error ensues.  After a Heyward fly, Upton singles through the drawn in infield (1B X and Santana was there after pinchhitting for Freeman in the top of the eighth).  Upton steals second and manager Cheney walks Harper to get to Valencia.  The Mavs pinch hit Brad Miller who gets a ballpark single.  And Chris Davis sends Bernice down the slide and Dick Cheney reaches for his package of methadone.  When the dust settles the Mavs win 9-4.  The Grumpy’s Bail Bonds Player of the Game (you ring, we spring) is the hated ARod who goes 3-3 with a homer.

8/2 – Getaway day and not a moment too soon for the star-crossed Bees.  Jimenez vs. Clay Buchholz in Mail Order Bride appreciation night.  Coupon’s handed out to the first ten thousand males over 21.  Valencia starts the scoring with a 2-4 straight out two run homer in the bottom of the first.  The Bees come back with two runs on a Gregory Polanco double and a sacrifice fly.  In the top of the third, Burns singles and Freeman hits a ballpark tater.  4-2 Killer Bees.  Valencia doubles home a run trimming the lead by one in the bottom of the third.  In the bottom of the fifth, Chris Davis sends Bernice back down the slide with home run number 29 – a three run shot giving the Mavs a 6-4 lead.  Correa singles, ARod gets an infield hit (how deep did they have to be playing?) and Correa homers.  Mavs 9-4.  The Bees chase Buchholz (usually this is for the best) in the top of the sixth with three singles.  Mavs 9-5.  The Mavs add two, the Bees add two.  11-7 at the seventh inning stretch.  Chris Davis adds homer 30 in the bottom of the eighth (2 run shot) sending beleaguered Bernice back down the slide.  The Mavs close it out 13-7 and Chris Davis with two homers and five RBI’s wins the Grumpy’s Bail Bonds Player of the Game.