5/13 The SuperGoofs come to the Rastadome with Tanaka taking the hill against Odorizzi. It is Disney day at the ballpark in honor of the Goofs visit and posters of Miley Cyrus and Britney Spears are being handed out to the first ten thousand boys under 18. The Mavs jump on top as Bernice Brewer comes down the slide in her Daisy Duke outfit for Chris Davis’s 21st tater in the bottom of the second. ARod follows with a double and Jackie Fucking Bradley sends Bernice back down the slide with a tater. Wong gets a two-bagger and the Goofs go to the pen in the bottom of the second bringing in Benoit. Harper greets Benoit with a triple bringing home Bradley and the Goofs manager Goofy looks behind the bubble gum to find his bottle of Suaza Conmemorotivo (a standard Mav perq for the visiting manager). Mavs 4-0 going to the top of the third. Meanwhile the Goofs come back with four of their own in the top of the fourth and Mav manager Jeb Bush looks for his hydrocodone. Third Goofs pitcher Houston Street gives up a two run homer to Danny Valencia in the bottom of the fifth. JFB sends Bernice back down the slide and knocks Street out of the game in the bottom of the sixth with another tater. Brad Miller sends Bernice back down the slide in the bottom of the seventh with a homer off of the Goofs fourth pitcher Drew Storen. Mavs bullpen throws 3 2/3 innings of 1 hit ball. The Grumpy’s Bail Bonds Player of the Game is JFB who hits two homers and drives in three runs. Mavs 8 Goofs 4.
5/14 Jacob DeGrom brings his nasty looking card in to face Jason Hammel (whose card looks looks much more mortal than DeGrom). It is Hispanic Heritage night for Los Mavs. Unfortunately the city fathers built a wall around the stadium and the fans are having a hard time getting in. The Mavs strike first as Harper sends Bernice Brewer down the slide in her Daisy Dukes in the bottom of the first. Maybin and Choo homer in the top of the third. Goofs 2 Mavs 1 and DeGrom on the hill. Jeb is in the hydrocodone early today. In the bottom of the seventh ARod sends Bernice down the slide in her Daisy Dukes – Goofs 2 Mavs 2 into extra innings we go. 10th inning – no one scores. 11th inning – no one scores. 12th inning – Valencia sends Bernice down the slide with a ballpark homer off of Benoit who had thrown 3 2/3 of one hit ball until then. The Betty’s Brothel Blow of the Game goes to Valencia for his 9th tater. Mavs 3 Goofs 2 in 12.
5/15 Charlton Heston vs Clay Buchholz in Right to Bear Arms night – toy Glocks handed out to all kids under 14. A two base error by Harper leads to two runs in the top of the first. You can hear the Glocks being cocked as Harper comes to the plate in the bottom of the first. Brad Miller sends Bernice down the slide and eases the tense atmosphere in the bottom of the third. The Goofs explode for four runs in the top of the fourth and add another in the top of the fifth as they spit roast Buchholz. ARod hits his 19th homer in the bottom of the fifth and the Mavs add two more in the bottom of the sixth. Goofs 7 Mavs 4 heading to the top of the seventh. In the bottom of the seventh Heyward sends Bernice down the slide with a homer off of the ever present Benoit. Bottom of the eighth ARod sends Bernice down the slide with a homer off of Morales. Goofs 7 Mavs 6. The Goofs tack on an insurance run with a Choo single in the top of the ninth. In comes Koji Uehara. After Heyward goes on a grounder, Upton singles, Harper walks and Valencia sends Bernice down the slide with a 2-5 homer 1-12 (rolling 11) to win both the game and the Betty’s Brothel Blow of the Game. Mavs 9 Goofs 8.
8/6 Tanaka vs. Jake Odorizzi. Cam Maybin hits a homer 1-3 fly to start the scoring off in the top of the first and misses the exact same roll with a runner on in the second. The Goofs score a run in each of the first three frames to make a tidy looking linescore. Not to be outdone, the Mavs put up three zeroes. The Mavs finally shut out the Goofs for an inning in the fourth and Davis doubles in a run 3-1 Goofs going to the fifth. The Mavs bring in Justin Wilson because you have to pitch him eventually and he gives up a three run homer to Duda in the seventh. The Goofs triumph 6-1. Lucas Duda is the Grumpy’s Bail Bonds Player of the Game. By the way, get your Grumpy’s calendar right here featuring a picture of the Mavs ball girl: http://grumpysbailbonds.com/calendar.php.
8/7 DeGrom vs. Jessica Hahn. Can the Mavs beat that card twice? Well in the sixth we finally got our first hit on a Ramirez X chance. Heyward followed sending Bernice down the slide in her Daisy Dukes and tied the game up despite the Goofs badly outplaying the Mavs. The Mavs go to the pen in the seventh while DeGrom has fanned eleven Mavs in the first seven innings. Nonetheless Goofy brings in the ubiquitous Joaquin Benoit to pitch the eighth. He mows down the Mavs. Britton mows down the Goofs. The Mavs strand a runner at third in the ninth and tenth but Heyward sends Bernice down the slide in her Daisy Dukes and walk off in the eleventh. Mavs 3-2 in eleven. Heyward’s to homers earn him the Grumpy’s Bail Bonds Player of the Game.