The most thorough drubbing I've had in years. Outscored 57-11 in five games.
6/17 DeGrom against Matt Cain. Justin Upton hits a 1-9 ballpark tater in the bottom of the first. The Goofs counter with a double off Cain’s card. Not satisfied with that Cain takes an infield single and throws it down the right field line. Michael Morse plays a grounder into a single. Alexi Ramirez singles into center driving in the second run. Rolls his lead and Lucroy throws it into center scoring the third run. The fans make a run for Oxycontin and a beer. In the bottom of the fourth the Mavs add a run when Phillips can’t turn two and Ozuna manages a run scoring single. The Goofs manager looks around for the Oxycontin stand. Kolten Wong ties the game with a double. The Goofs manager finds the Oxycontin stand and hunts down the Jim Beam booth but Bryce Harper strikes out and Andrus pops out. 3-3 heading to the fifth. By the eighth inning both teams are into their bullpens. Unfortunately for the Mavs, Carrasco has already pitched three so they are forced to try Justin Wilson. Somehow Wilson overcomes a Kolten Wong error (the Mavs third of the game) and holds the Goofs scoreless. Meanwhile Hal leaves Houston Street in for a second straight inning. Needless to say Street shuts down the hapless Mavs. Top of the ninth. The Mavs stay with Wilson (it worked for Hal with Street). With two down, Span rolls a Ballpark single, steals second. The Mavs intentionally walk Ramirez to get to Nava hitting righthanded. 1-8 roll, double 1-2 fly (1-8 homer, double for Ramirez) and the fly ends the top of the ninth. Remarkably Hal brings in extreme backwards lefty James Russell to face Bryce Harper in the bottom of the ninth. It didn’t matter much because the real problem was Duda’s lack of range. X chart single for Harp. Elvis bunts him to second. Lucroy rolls a 1-16 one star single. Runners on the corner. The Mavs pinch hit Homer Bailey. The Goofs suspect a squeeze play. They are right and Homer Allowed Bailey delivers. Mavs win 4-3. Goofs manager looks for the morphine booth. Justin Wilson picks up the win and the Grumpy’s Bail Bonds player of the game award.
6/18 Rumored cross dresser Mashiro Tanaka takes the hill against late draft pick Jason Hammel. In Mashiro’s honor many fans come dressed as women. Of course we play our home games in San Francisco so it is really just another day at the ball park. Hammel gives up a homer, walk, double, single but only two runs thanks to Ozuna’s arm in the top of the first. Tanaka hitches up his garter and executes the shutdown inning. Meanwhile three hits ensue in the top of the second. 3-0 Goofs when the dust clears and Tanaka reapplies his makeup. The Goofs score five more in the fourth. This happens so frequently to Hammel that we can’t even remember how it happened. Marcel Ozuna hits a tater. Nava makes his second error of the series (e6 out there in right – thanks Hal) but Tanaka tightens up his bra strap and shuts the Mavs down. 8-1 in the fifth. The Mavs bring in Carlos Martinez and wonder when we’ll institute a Mercy Rule. The Goofs bring in Drew Storen to pad their save stats in the bottom of the seventh. Denard Span steals second up six runs for good measure. There will be some HBPs in the next game. The Grumpy’s Bail Bonds Player of the Game goes to Denard Span who went 3 for 5 with the aforementioned stolen base.
8/24 Lohse vs. Odorizzi The Mavs start the scoring in the second when Chris Davis scores from first with two outs on a double by Kolten Wong. Hal notes that was aggressive base running by Tad. Apparently winded by the dash around the bases, Davis throws a ball into the stands and the Goofs tie the game. The Goofs load the bases on three ball park singles but Denard Span chokes in the clutch in the top of the fourth. The Mavs put runners on the corner with no outs. Span being a frigging 1 holds the runner at third on a CF X. A second CF X results in a fly ball B. Mavs up 2-1 going to the fifth. In the top of the fifth Odorizzi gives up a single, a ballpark tater that became a single because 3 hole hitter McGehee is week and a walk and collapses in a heap on the mound. Bases loaded, nobody out. The Mavs go to their closer in the fifth inning?? It would have worked too except Elvis is a two not a one. So unable to turn two Holland hits a batter walks a couple more and the Goofs take a 4-2 lead. The Goofs tack on two insurance runs that would have been a lot more if Span weren’t weak. The Goofs score another run in the eighth on a single 1-2 lineout and the Mavs can read the writing on the wall. Time to save AB’s. The Goofs win 7-3. The Grumpy’s Bail Bonds Player of the Game goes to former Mav David DeJesus who went 3-4 with two RBI’s.
8/25 Ryu vs. Trimble Tech’s Yovanni Gallardo. The Goofs score four in the top of the first. Boy this is a lot of fun. The Goofs score another twelve in the top of the second including four straight 1-9 ball park singles. I can’t tell you how much we are enjoying this. Let’s take it batter by batter from here. Carlos Martinez holds the Goofs to a two run homer in the third. The Mavs push across a run in the bottom of the fourth averting a shutout and earning a standing ovation from the six remaining fans. In the sixth Carlos Martinez tires and the Mavs try a new strategy of tiring the Goofs out for the next game and leave Martinez in. Four more runs for the Goofs. 22-1 going to the bottom of the sixth. Up 23-1 the Goofs bring in James Russell in the bottom of the seventh. Fearing a 22 run uprising the Goofs move on to Drew Storen for the bottom of the ninth. Hal’s write up claims that the Goofs man-handled the Mavs and we note that Wong was in the lineup and wonder about the Goofs man-handling tendencies. Every Goof scored a run and drove in a run. In fact the only Goof with just a single RBI was Duda and the only one with just one run scored was DeJesus. 22 hits, 8 walks and 3 HBP’s. It could have been worse. Grumpy’s Bail Bonds Player of the Game goes to David Freese 5 for 6 with three runs scored and four RBI’s. 23-1 Goofs.
8/26 Hughes vs Hammel. The Mavs come into the finale having been outscored 43-10 in four games. The fans arrive early only because it is “Hot Pants Day” and our ballgirls are provided by Betty’s Brothel. The Goofs take, surprise, an early lead scoring two in the top of the first. The Goofs add one in the fourth and four in the fifth and the Mavs do something they almost never do. EQA. Final score 16-1 Goofs. Carlos Martinez gives up 13 hits and 8 earned runs in three innings of relief. Hughes goes nine and wins the Grumpy’s Bail Bonds Player of the Game.