April 25th: Verlander against Bailey in a matchup of pitchers who have combined to throw four no-hitters and win one MVP award. The Wahoos strike first scoring as a result of a two base error by Maxwell. Unearned run so Bailey figures it won’t affect arbitration and pitches gamely on. Meanwhile the Mavs come back with a run but end the rally when Elvis rolls a 20 on a 1-19 steal attempt. The Wahoos hit back to back doubles. Uh oh, earned run. Bailey meltdown in progress. Triple 1, Double 2-20. It’s 1. Double 1, Single. It’s a 13. Bailey begins crying. Pitcher X. He’s a 2. It’s a 1. Bailey wets himself. Double 1-5 single. It’s single. If we still used points Bailey would be out of there. As it is with this bullpen this late in the season, he’s going six no matter what. Well maybe not. Chris Davis belts a grand slam in the bottom of the fifth making it 6-5 Wahoos. Poor Justin Upton misses a homer 1-11 fly for the second straight at bat. The Mavs move to the pen. Justin Maxwell misses a homer 1-11 fly. Three of the last four innings we’ve missed it. In the bottom of the seventh the Mavs get runners on first and third with one out and Chris Davis coming to the plate. Will Hal go to the lefty like every manager in the league? Surprisingly YES! Hal makes a move. The Mavs counter with Jonathan Lucroy who manages a fly ball B. Tie game. We have no fricking idea of who Caleb Thielbar is but he has a killer card and is mowing us down like Grant took Richmond. In the top of the tenth a combination of Ross and Holland manage to load the bases and Beltran gets a clutch hit. The fat lady sings and we move on to game two. The Grumpy’s Bail Bonds Player of the Game goes to Beltran who went two for six with three RBI. Bailey doesn’t care because he didn’t take the loss. Doesn’t affect arbitration. Wahoos 8-6.
April 26th: Cain takes the mound against Zimmerman. The Mavs hand out free passes to a nearby Gentlemen’s Club in honor of Cain’s hot ex-waitress wife. Meanwhile Wahoos media representatives hint around that Zimmerman is probably gay. Advantage Mavs. Upton lets two runs in as he is too busy checking out Mrs. Cain to bother with catching a fly ball. The Wahoos add a run in the top of the sixth. Meanwhile Zimmerman strikes a blow, so to speak, for his kind by holding the Mavs to one hit through six. The Mavs have to pull Cain as he is on a strict pitch limit. Given the score that means the newly traded Garrett Richards makes one of his last remaining appearances as a Mav followed by Robbie Ross who will be making one of his last appearances for anyone in NASOMA. Zimmerman finishes out the one hitter winning the Grumpy’s Bail Bonds Player of the Game and Judy Garland music is heard in the Wahoos clubhouse as the entire team waits for Zimmerman to finish showering before taking theirs. Wahoos 3-0.
July 18th: Buchholz against Eovaldi. The Mavs squander tons of opportunities. If it isn’t leaving people on it is getting them thrown out trying not to leave them on. 12 runners have been on base through six and three managed to score. Meanwhile Buchholz has a three hitter going through six. Alas he is on a strict pitch limit so he leaves to listen to Doobie Brothers music in the clubhouse and in comes Robbie Ross because Sean Doolittle is on the DL for this series. Chris Ianetta misses the ballpark homer with a man on and Ross escapes. Meanwhile Carlos Beltran makes an error and lets in the fourth run and in a strato move Brandon Barnes pinch hits against a righty for Harper and drives in run number five. Buchholz wins the Grumpy’s Bail Bonds Player of the Game even though he will have some difficulty passing a sobriety test on his drive home. Mavs win 5-0.
July 19th: University of Texas at Arlington grad Dillon Gee (the Warpigs, Mavs and Buckeyes are all alumni of that fine institution and together we don’t make what he does – on the other hand we didn’t have to go through junior high with the last name Gee – that had to be a whipping) takes the hill against Sorry Ass Homer Allowed Bailey (known as SAHAB to Mav fans). The Mavs score two in the bottom of the third as the Mavs send Lucroy home with two outs on a 1-11 chance. Hal claims it was aggressive baserunning. The Mavs faithful know that it was Eggs Ackley on deck that led to the move. The Mavs score two more in the bottom of the fourth but I don’t remember how because the MavGirl is watching some show where girls are in bikinis and I just kept hitting enter. The Mavs score two more in the bottom of the sixth and now that I’m paying attention I see what happened in the fourth. Dillon Gee sucks. Hal agrees and pulls him trailing 6-0. SAHAB gets pulled throwing a three hitter in the seventh. You might think it is because he is on a pitch count but really it is because he sucks too. Three Mavs combine on a three hitter. The Grumpy’s Bail Bonds Player of the Game goes to Heyward who had two hits and four RBI’s. Mavs win 8-0.
July 20th: The Mavs and Wahoos square off for the Trojan Rubber Game of the Series with Zimmerman (a man reputed to be no stranger to Trojans) facing Matt Cain. Through five and half the game is as close as can be two runs, five hits and one error for each team. The Mavs nail a two out double in the bottom of the sixth and in comes…Caleb Thielbar. Butch asks “Who are those guys”? Zimmerman asks who is Butch. But that is another story. Thielbar gives up a RF X. Uh oh, Beltran. It’s a double. The Mavs take the lead. Wilhelmsen, Ross and Wilson, none of whom will be in a Mav uniform next year, combine to close out the win with 2 and 1/3 perfect innings. With all due respect to Jordan Zimmerman, the winner of the Betty’s Brothel Blow of the game is Justin Upton whose two run homer (number 20 this year) provided two of the Mavs three runs. 3-2 Mavs