A Post from the HEAD INMATE

2018 Zits

Time for the eagerly-awaited unveiling of the 2018 Zit roster, the only available review of the most inept team possible with the available cards. While some of the choices can be (master)debated, the possibility of 150+ losses is irrefutable.

Starting with the Arson Squad:

SP – JERED WEAVER -Ya gotta have an ace, and who better to lead the staff than this grizzled veteran? Not only can’t he keep the ball in the park, but in the event that someone doesn’t homer he can’t hold, either.

SP – BRETT ANDERSON – What staff can function without a lefty? Especially one who can’t get lefties out – or hold baserunners when they get on.

SP – CESAR VALDEZ – A young fire-baller who epitomizes the incendiary meltdown tendencies of a prototypical Zit, every “7” on his card is a hit. He does have a -2 hold, but no one ever hits singles against this guy.

SP – DREW VERHAGEN – Every “9” is a homer chance. Need more be said?

Long Relief – BRADEN SHIPLEY – When Zit starters inevitably tire from tossing BP, Shipley can come in for the long-haul and keep fanning the flames.

Setup – FRANKIE MONTAS – This guy can really set the table with over 15 points of taters vs lefties (not including the 8 points of BP). Spud City here we come!

CL – SHAWN KELLEY – With a closer rating of 3, this card makes you wonder what it takes to get a 6. Ever seen a 6-7 N-HR before? Check out his righty side.

On to the hitters:

C – LUKE MAILE – OK, defensively he’s actually very non-Zit-like. Too bad it didn’t transfer to his offensive capabilities.

1B – CHASE D’ARNAUD – He can actually get a (rare) hit against righties, but he makes up for it by showing flaccid-bat syndrome against lefties and having digit-less hands defensively.

2B – MIKE FREEMAN – How does a “3” at 2B get an e59? Oh yeah, the only chance for a hit on his card is on the right side, with a 3-4 HR-1/flyout 2-20. This is a clean-up hitter extraordinaire.

3B – JAE-GYUN HWANG – Good thing there’s a Hwang in his name, ‘cause he doesn’t show one in his hitting.

SS – RAUL MONDESI – The team speed-demon who’s so fast he outruns groundballs to earn an e56. He’s a * stealer, but how he earned this is a mystery since he’s never on base to steal.

LF – CODY ASHE – The Zit team captain, with only HBPs on his card and a 5(+1)e3 in left.

CF – ALEJANDRO DE AZA – What team is complete without a veteran presence in the clubhouse? Showing e21 (in)capabilities in all three outfield positions as well as a total inability to get on base, young Zits have the opportunity to observe full-fledged acne.

RF – TYLER WADE – The poster boy for the Cancer Bat Society. Power rankings don’t read “W,” they read “WTF?”

DH – STUART TURNER – Also functions as the back-up catcher. The only Zit with “N” power on both sides, which is good, because there’s almost no other way he can get a hit.