June 14th: It’s Bring Your Probation Officer Night here at the Rastadome. Many Scofflaws are in attendance as like the Iron Clad Alibis they have the summer league post-season off. Chris Sale takes the hill to face off against Jason Hammel who has allowed a homer every 4.5 innings in 109 innings of work. Hal says it is a beautiful day for a ballgame but I know this is true only if you are a Sidewinder hitter. Besides he played Jose Oquendo over Roberto Clemente in centerfield. What does Hal know? As the game actually unfolds Hammel throws the game of his life holding the Snakes to 4 hits. Three relievers combine for one hit over the last three innings and Elvis pounds out three hits to win the Grumpy’s Bail Bonds Player of the Game. The Mavs win 4-1 but are definitely scared seeing Hal bring Chapman in to pitch the bottom of the eighth down 3-1. How good is the Snakes bullpen if they can do that?
June 15th: It’s Bring Your Mistress Night here at the Rastadome Wade Boggs is throwing out the first pitch. The TV feeds will blur the stands to avoid embarrassing any prominent citizens or the girls of Betty’s Brothel. The Snakes reach into their bag of aces and pull out Johnny Cueto. The Mavs reach into their bag of injured pitchers and pull out Wily Peralta (oh if only Wong were a pitcher). In the fourth Mesoraco homers and then the Snakes two Peralta’s get on against my Peralta but are stranded. 1-0 Snakes. But in the bottom of the fourth the outfield Peralta for the Snakes fails to chase down and fly and then boots and two Mavs scamper home. 2-1 Mavs. I leave my Peralta in to face the Snakes Peraltas. He gets one but not the other so we bring in Britton. Meanwhile the Process Servers are swarming through the stands like seagulls on a trash barge bringing the attendance up to a season high. In the top of the ninth the shortstop Peralta laces a double with one out against Holland. The Snakes pinch run an ex-catcher (Mauer) for their starting shortstop. Moss follows with a ground out bringing up Billy Hamilton as the two out hope. Billy picks up a 3-7 so Hal stays with him. Perhaps Hal should have pinch run DiDi Gregorius and had Mauer available to pinch hit here. Hamilton K’s but off of Holland’s card. Mavs win 2-1. A Peralta has to win something. So we’ll give Wily Peralta the Grumpy’s Bail Bonds (You Ring We Spring) Player of the Game and a free pass to Betty’s Brothel for David Peralta for the costly error.
June 16th: It’s bring your Kissing Cousin Night here at the ballpark in honor of the Snakes Kentucky background. The Snakes reach into their bag of aces and bring out Jon Lester. Meanwhile the Mavs reach into their bag of injured pitchers and bring out Jake Odorizzi. As you might guess on a night like this, the Snakes score first stringing together a series of hits capped by RBI’s by Brantley and Ortiz. The Mavs counter with a solo shot by Ozuna in the fourth and a two run shot by Country Breakfast in the fifth. The Snakes miss about a million ballpark homers and the Mavs hang on to win 3-2. We note that the Snakes brought in Wade Davis in the seventh down by a run. How many ace relievers do these guys have?
August 22nd: Everyone is eligible! In honor of that it is Bisexual Night here at the Rastadome. Johnny Cueto takes the hill against Jason Hammel. The Snakes get 2 in the top of the eighth to break a scoreless tie. The big blow, so to speak, is a Dee Gordon single scoring Billy Hamilton with the lead run. In the top of the ninth the Mavs bring up Wong and he singles off of Wade Davis to start it off. This forces the Snakes to finally bring in Craig Kimbrel. Yikes. But Marcel Ozuna hits a ballpark tater and it is a tie game. Kimbrel mows down the next three and we go to extra innings. Moss misses a BP tater in the top of the tenth. The Snakes cuss Hal. But Hamilton singles and steals second and third and the Snakes praise Hal. With the infield in Dee Gordon hits a groundball B and Hamilton is thrown out trying to score. Gordon is thrown out trying to steal second and the Snakes put a contract out on Hal. Meanwhile Kimbrel is just mowing down Mavs and using innings. Bottom of the twelfth and the Snakes have to resort to Aroldis Chapman. Chapman hits Wong and gives up a ballpark tater to Marcel Ozuna who wins the Betty’s Brothel Blow of the Game. Mavs 4-2 in twelve. The Snakes will have a hangover for game five.
August 23rd: It’s Bring Your Alcoholic Uncle Night here at the Rastadome, annually our biggest attendance night. The Mavs owner has three guests himself. Jon Lester against Homer Allowed Bailey. The Snakes finally get a ballpark homer as David Peralta breaks a 3-3 tie in the top of the sixth. Brandon Moss adds another one in the top of the eighth but it hardly makes up for the first four games. With a 6-3 lead going to the bottom of the ninth the Snakes go to Kimbrel because they used to pull wings off of flies. The Mavs get the tying run to the plate in the person of Michael Morse courtesy of a single by Ozuna followed by an error by Brandon Moss. Morse pounds into two and that was all she wrote. The cab line outside the stadium stretches for miles because of all of the breathalyzer equipped cars in the parking lot. Peralta wins the Grumpy’s Bail Bonds Player of the Game for breaking the BP HR jinx. Sidewinders 6-3.