Revised Mock Draft

Now that the teams are set and the draft is a few days away, here's the latest mocking...

1. Nads - Doug Fister. Hard to screw this up, really. Darvish is not even an option, since the Nads have no reserve picks. This selection has to be announced as a "Fister to the Nads!" Ouch.

2. Fungoes - Eric Hosmer. The Fungoes traded up, and the immediate thought was Darvish. But the Fungi were secretly trying to steal Fister. Hosmer is not only a good second choice, it may be a better one.

3. Warpigs - Yu Darvish. Haha! Yes! I thought for sure he'd go 1 or 2.

4. Goofs - Melky Cabrera. A team in need of outfielders finds the best 500+ AB outfielder in the draft waiting for him. Of course, he'd still have been waiting for him in the second round.

5. Sidewinders - Brett Lawrie. The Snakeman THOUGHT he already had Lawrie, but it turns out it was Jed Lowrie. Different guy. Said the Snakeman, "It's a good thing I gave up abstaining from alcohol for Lent."

6. Tweeners - Allen Craig. Or is it Craig Allen? Either way, he's just what the doctor ordered to vault the Tweeners to the top of his division.

7. Inmates - Brandon Beachy. While the HEAD INMATE pats himself on the back for trading back 5 spots and still getting the guy he wanted, the game on tv is interrupted with the tragic news of Beachy drowning in his own urine sample.

8. DVs - Yonder Alonso. From the DV man himself, "Our goal is just to beat the Fungoes for the division. Then be one of the teams that loses to the Rhinos in the playoffs." Asked about the challenge from the Drillers, the DV dude said, "The Drillers?!? Are they still in the league?!?"

9. Mavs - Jason Kipnis. Because the MavGirl likes the sound of his name.

10. Killer Bees - Jemile Weeks. Weeks will team with his brother at 2b for the Bees. When asked about this pick, the Beeboy pulled his hands out of his pants just long enough to explain, "I just like the idea of putting R.Weeks and J.Weeks on the scorecard. You know? The letter in front of their name? That's so fucking COOL!!! I've ALWAYS wanted to do that!"

11. Tweeners - Cory Luebke. The Tweeners pick again? Is that right? That can't be right.

12. Killer Bees - Gerardo Parra. So Beeboy, how do you think your division will pan out? "Obviously, the Bees will win it. Easily. After that, who gives a fuck? My brother's team sucks. Hell, my BROTHER sucks. The Tweeners always THINK they're going to be good, but they suck. Who's the other team in my division?"

13. Rhinos - By a vote of 14-2, a rule was passed that restricted the Rhinos from using any picks in this year's draft. The only dissenting votes were from the Rhinos themselves and the Mavs, who abstained.

14. Sidewinders - Kenley Jansen. Or Casey Janssen. "Gawdammit all these names are so confusing! Can't I just have them both? Then I KNOW I got the good one. BEER ME!"

15. Buckeyes - Brandon McCarthy. The Buckeyes have already mathematically clinched his division.

16. Zaps - Greg Holland. You know there's something wrong with the SOM Computer game when Hal's recommended pick here is Don Kelly.