Inmates 9, Nads 5

Inmates 9 – Nads 5 (via netplay)

Nads 4 – Inmates 3 (Ball Sack): The LDMF lost their fifth straight game in semi-dramatic fashion to the Testicularly Non-challenged. Dozier hit the first Inmate pitch of the game into orbit, and then Brad “No Taters Allowed In 2017” Morrow allowed a pair of jacks, including a walk-off by Morrison in the bottom of the 9^th. Morrow earned the well-deserved loss and blown save.

Nads 3 – Inmates 1 (Ball Sack): The LDMF continued their unwelcome appearance as only a Rizzo solo homer in the 2^nd prevented a shutout. Bradley continued his self-immolation technique by entering a tie game in the 7^th and allowing two runs on a hit a three walks. Chacin held the Beakless Wonders to four hits over eight and two-thirds for the win as the Inmate losing streak reached six.

Inmates 7 – Nads 2 (Ball Sack): Despite starter Salazar being incapable of lasting through the 5^th, everything else went the Inmate way. Altuve and Rosario tatered; Ramos pitched three innings for the win.

Inmates 6 – Nads 3 (Ball Sack): Another By-The-Book victory for the Beakless Chicken Gang, although the Nads managed to have the tying run at bat in the last of the 9^th. Hand earned the save; Dickey the loss.

Nads 5 – Inmates 1 (Baptist Bowl): The Inmates’ bats went flaccid against Brent Stroman, picking only four hits and one run on a solo homer by Martinez in the 9^th. The Nads left ten on base, preventing a blow-out.

Nads 4 – Inmates 2 (Baptist Bowl): Martinez and Altuve hit solo homers for the LDMF, but Kole Calhoun hit a pair and drove in three runs as the Nads continued to have their way over the Inmates. Chacin and three relievers allowed only three Inmate hits.

Inmates 5 – Nads 3 (Baptist Bowl): A tight game, with a two-run single in the 5^th by Martinez providing the ultimate winning run. Barnhart blasted a two-run moon-shot in the 9^th to get things close, but the Nads ran out of gas.

Inmates 4 – Nads 2 (Ball Sack): Another nail-biter, another Inmate win. Ramos, Hand and Madson shut the Nads down to hang on to the lead and the victory.

Inmates 5 – Nads 4 (Ball Sack): Still another hard-fought victory for the Inmates. Heading into the 9^th nursing a 4-3 lead, the Nad bullpen combusted, allowing a two-run single to Altuve to snatch defeat out of the jaws of victory. Frazier and Morrison homered in a losing effort.

Inmates 7 – Nads 1 (Ball Sack): The Nads held a 1-0 lead until the spam hit the fan in the 6^th. Martinez hit a two-run blast to highlight the inning, followed immediately by a solo tater by Nunez. Four more runs scored in the 7^th, and Quintana and Ramos held the Nads to just two hits.

Inmates 7 – Nads 6 (Baptist Bowl): A seemingly safe 7-1 lead almost evaporated as the Nads stormed back to force Green in for the save. Inciarte, Rosario, Rizzo and Castro all homered for the Inmates. Chacin pitched a complete game for the loss, saving the Nad bullpen.

Inmates 4 – Nads 3 (Baptist Bowl): Brad Hand gave up a 9^th inning homer to Broxton but held on for the save as the Inmates and Nads played yet another close game. Weaver K’d twelve and earned the win.

Inmates 5 – Nads 3 (Baptist Bowl): For the second time in the series Dozier hit the first Inmate pitch out of the ballpark, but a pair of taters by Bregman led the Inmate to their seventh win in a row. Frazier also homered in the Nad 1^st, but the denizens of the Ball Sack were unable to score again until the 9^th.

Nads 9 – Inmates 5 (Baptist Bowl): The Nads blasted Wood for seven runs in the first two innings, including homers by Dozier (once again on the first Inmate pitch of the game), Frazier and Calhoun. Garcia allowed four homers to the Inmates (Martinez twice, Bregman again, and Ramos), but all of the Inmate spuds were solo shots. Salazar pitched five innings of two-hit relief for the Inmates, but it was already too late.

DVs 4, Inmates 0

DVs 4 – Inmates 0 (via netplay)

DVs 10 – Inmates 5 (Trump Towers): Both teams hit four homers, but all the Inmate taters were solo shots; all the DV taters had men on. DVs out-hit the Inmates 12-11, but the game was never close.

DVs 5 – LDMF 0 (Trump Towers): Pouting because of their lack of clutch hitting in the series opener, the LDMF put away their bats and sucked. Strasburg pitched seven shutout innings, while Stanton and MooseTacos both hit two-run homers.

DVs 12 – Inmates 6 (Baptist Bowl): For the third straight game the DVs jumped out to a lead in the 1^st, but the Inmates managed to gain a 5-1 lead after four. Then all shit hit the fan. Both teams had thirteen hits; both teams had two homers. That’s where the similarity ended. Once again, both Inmate homers were solo shots (Altuve, Rosario), while both of Bogaerts’ taters had men on. The Inmates hit into four double-plays; the DVs none. Bradley came in to keep the deficit to one run, but got torched for five runs in 1/3 of an inning. Shitfuck.

DVs 10 – Inmates 5 (Baptist Bowl): Inciarte and Santana hit solo homers for the Inmates, while Stanton (slammer), Castillo and Owings tatered with men on. The Inmates outhit the DVs 13-10, but couldn’t score. Bradley came in once again to keep the game close and once again was torched, this time for four runs in 1/3 inning. For the series, Bradley allowed nine runs (eight earned) on six hits, two homers and two walks, in 2/3 inning. Stellar 108.00 ERA.

Inmates 5, Buckeyes 5

Inmates 5 – Buckeyes 5 (via netplay)

THE KURSE OF KIERMAEIR

Very evenly played series, though the Buckeyes cheated by allowing Kiermaier to play even after he was declared “assassinated” by the umpires.

Inmates 2 – Buckeyes 1 (Baptist Bowl): A pitcher’s duel. Rizzo hit a solo homer in the 1^st, and Inciarte scored on a groundout by Rosario to end the scoring for the game. Wood earned the win; Green picked up the save.

Buckeyes 6 – Inmates 5 (Baptist Bowl): A see-saw game that came down to the last of the 9^th. With two outs and Altuve on second, Rizzo missed a 1-14 homer chance to end the game. Parker picked up the win.

Buckeyes 6 – Inmates 4 (14 innings – Baptist Bowl): Kiermaier hit two taters on HR 1/something else 2-20 and drove in five runs, including the eventual game-winning two-run jack in the 14^th. The Inmates sent the game into extra-innings in the 9^th when Inciarte squeezed home a run with the bases loaded to tie things at 4-4 (never mind the LDMF showed up and couldn’t score any more). Hernandez picked up the win; Kiermaier was tarred and feathered by the Baptist Bowl Choralaires, while everyone else tried to figure out what in hell HAL was doing.

Inmates 5 – Buckeyes 3 (BuckeyeDome): Kiermaier hit ANOTHER homer, and was then HBP-plus-fatality. Nonetheless, Clevenger tossed a no-hitter into the 7^th and the Beakless Chicken Gang held on for the win.

Buckeyes 5 – Inmates 2 (BuckeyeDome): Manaea pitched a complete game six-hitter, but three of the hits are still orbiting the earth. Cespedes tatered for the Good Guys to account for both Inmate runs. Cruz, Kinsler, and Turner supplied the Buckeyes’ power.

Inmates 6 – Buckeyes 3 (Baptist Bowl): A five-run Inmate 1^st was enough for the victory, despite the Buckeyes’ refusing to quit. A rarity: Rizzo was HBP three times.

Inmates 3 – Buckeyes 2 (Baptist Bowl): Despite HAL’s relationship with Kiermaier (who homered still again), the pitching staffs showed off in another duel. Clevinger earned the win while Green picked up another save.

Buckeyes 8 – Inmates 4 (BuckeyeDome): Allen Wood allowed three homers, including a grand salami by Justin Turner, and the Buckeyes broke out their hitting shoes to club the Inmates. Rosario and Martinez homered for the BCG, but it wasn’t enough.

Buckeyes 8 – Inmates 4 (BuckeyeDome): Enrique Hernandez (!?) jacked two taters and the game wasn’t as close as the score indicated. Santana earned the win; Manaea took the loss.

Inmates 6 – Buckeyes 2 (BuckeyeDome): Four Inmates homered and Gray pitched into the 7^th to lead the Inmates. With the split of ten games, both the Inmates and Buckeyes decided that they’d rather not play each other in the playoffs.

Inmates 6, Warpigs 4

Inmates 6 – Warpigs 4 (cards and dice)

Pigs 7 – Inmates 2 (Baptist Bowl): A five-spot in the 5^th (including a pair of homers) gave the Pigs all they needed in a game that shouldn’t have been as close as it was. The Porcine Pack continually squandered scoring opportunities and probably should have scored fifteen. The LDMF showed up and had their buttocks pummeled.

Corey Seager and J.T. Realmuto had the Pig homers. Wainwright got the win. Pigs left 14 men on base; the Inmates only reached base 7 times.

Pigs 4 – Inmates 3 (15 innings – Baptist Bowl): A Santana homer in the Inmate 7^th was the last of the scoring for both teams, allowing the Pigs to show off their propensity for playing extra-inning games. AJ Ramos allowed a tater to some nameless bastard in the 15^th to give the Porkers a lead, and then the LDMF made another appearance in the bottom of the inning when the Inmates put two on but couldn’t score.

Tommy Pham hit the winning homer. Raisel Iglesias was the hero, going 4 innings of shutout relief. Carl Edwards got the win and Adam Warren the save. Pigs are 9-2 now in extra inning games. Six of those eleven games have gone 15 innings or longer.

Inmates 4 – Pigs 2 (Baptist Bowl): Still another show of offensive ineptitude, which came to an end when Santana hit a two-out three-run walk-off spud off of Doolittle to finally allow the Beakless Chicken to do the Eye-Gouge.

Jacob deGrom went 8 innings, allowing 3 hits and no walks while striking out 10. I have no idea why I pulled him for the 9th.

Inmates 7 – Pigs 5 (Ballpork): After going 0-for the first three games of the series, Altuve exploded for a pair of doubles, a homer and five ribbies to lead the Beakless Chicken Gang.

Adrian Beltre and Aaron Judge homered for the good guys.

Inmates 3 – Pigs 1 (Ballpork): Quintana and a pair of relievers held the Porcine Wonders to only four hits, while Altuve continued his unconsciousness with three RBI singles.

I hate to correct the HEAD INMATE, but the final score of this game was 2-1. Little Mr. Altuve did have three singles, but only two of them scored runs. Judge homered for the only Pig run.

Pigs 4 – Inmates 3 (Baptist Bowl): Yet another close game, with the PigPen totally shutting down the Beakless Bastards. The home teams continually had problems throughout the day, as only one game out of ten was won by the hosts.

Beltre and Christian Yelich went back-to-back with homers in the 3rd inning. The deciding run scored in the 8th when Judge led off with a triple and Seager came thru with a 2-out single to put the Pigs ahead.

Pigs 16 – Inmates 3 (Baptist Bowl): Nothing close here, as the Pigs jumped out to a 15-0 lead before the LDMF got their first hit. One thing of interest (since the game sucked for the home faithful): the Pigs managed all of their runs despite K’ing fifteen times and hitting into a DP.

The one and only fun game of the whole day... The Pigs scored 4 in the 1st, 5 in the 2nd, and 6 in the 4th to jump to a quick 15-0 lead. The Pigs had 16 hits and 8 walks to counter those 15 Ks. Jake Lamb was 4-4 with 2 walks. He scored 3 and drove in 4. Tommy Pham homered and doubled before taking an early exit from the game.

Inmates 4 – Pigs 1 (Ballpork): Manaea out-dueled Severino for an Inmate win. Castro homered for the winners.

The Inmates cheat.

Inmates 2 – Pigs 1 (Ballpork): In a bizarre twist, both managers pulled their starting pitchers (Salazar and Odorizzi) at the end of the 5^th inning despite both tossing one-hit shutouts. An unearned run capped the Inmate 7^th, which turned out to be the winning run. The LDMF managed only four hits in the win.

It's pretty sad when, faced with a 2-1 deficit in the 9th, with runners at 1st and 2nd and 2 outs, you're forced to bring Adam Wainwright in to pinch hit.

Inmates 5 – Pigs 3 (Ballpork): Cespedes hit a grand-slam in the 3^rd and the Inmates held on to take the series finale. Starting in the 4^th, the Pigs changed pitchers every inning to shut down the Inmates on no hits and two walks. Each of the six relievers also recorded a single strikeout.

Well, that's almost accurate. Actually the last 2 of the 6 relievers, who each threw exactly one inning, had 2 strikeouts each. But yeah, deGrom's uncharacteristic bad start signaled an opportunity to get him some rest, so the bullpen worked the rest of the game as if it were an All Star game, going one inning each - and not allowing a hit in the process. The Pigs made the Inmates sweat a little with a 3-run 8th that saw 6 consecutive hitters reach base - and all that happened off of Bradley and Green. But it was too little, too late. 

Understanding that this will sound a LOT like the HEAD INMATE, the Pigs outscored the Inmates (44-38) and out hit them (87-69). We even out walked them (45-28). The Inmates did have more homers, but it was only a 10-9 difference. Alas, we just couldn't get the right hits at the right time, and lost the series.

Inmates 8, Mavs 2

Inmates 8 – Mavs 2 (human-managed computer)

Inmates 5 – Mavs 0 (Baptist Bowl): Wood tossed a three-hit shutout and Santana continued his torrid hitting with another homer.

Mavs 16 – Inmates 8 (Baptist Bowl): The Revenge of the Mavs. After generating no offense whatsoever in the series opener the Rastafarians put up a five-spot before allowing the Inmates to come to bat. Although the Inmates clawed back to get within 10-7, the Mavs put the spurs to the offense and put the Baptist Bowl Choralaires out of their misery. Harper hit two of the Mavs’ five spuds. Santana homered for the fourth consecutive game for the Inmates.

Inmates 5 – Mavs 3 (Baptist Bowl): A tie game until Rizzo hit a two-run homer for the Inmates in the 8^th. Pazos took the loss. Yonder “Babe” Alonzo jacked one for the MavMen.

Inmates 8 – Mavs 7 (RastaDome): Santana hit two more homers, the Inmates managed a run via small-ball in the 8^th to break a 7-7 tie, and the Mavs lost another close game.

Mavs 6 – Inmates 3 (RastaDome): “Babe” Alonzo’s three-run tater in the 7^th broke a 3-3 tie and iced the game for the Mavs. Bradley (twice) and Correa also homered for the Rastafarians.

Inmates 6 – Mavs 5 (Baptist Bowl): The fourth consecutive close game was won by the Inmates in the 7^th when Rosario hit his second solo homer of the game to break a 5-5 tie.

Inmates 5 – Mavs 3 (Baptist Bowl): Martinez and Santana homered for the Inmates, who built a 5-0 lead and then hung on for the win. Lamet pitched a complete game for the Mavs.

Inmates 9 – Mavs 4 (RastaDome): A close 5-4 game was blown open in the 9^th when the Inmates put a four-spot on the board. Martinez and the torrid Santana were among the Inmates to spud. Chirinos drove in three of the Mavs’ runs.

Inmates 10 – Mavs 9 (RastaDome): The misery continued for the Mavs when Wilson Ramos hit his second homer of the game in the 9^th to break a 9-9 tie. Three Mav homers were wasted in the loss.

Inmates 6 – Mavs 3 (RastaDome): The series finale changed nothing for the Mavs, as the Inmates built a 6-0 lead after three innings and then coasted. Segura and Cespedes homered for the Beakless Chicken Gang, while the Inmate bullpen pitched a perfect 7^th, 8^th, and 9^th.

Inmates 7, Sidewinders 3

Inmates 7 – Sidewinders 3: NASOMA’s Ecumenical Series (cards and dice)

Inmates 8 – Sidewinders 4 (Baptist Bowl): Still reeling from the effects of their “Where in the World is Carmen San Diego” imitation, the Snakes lost quickly and quietly to the Beakless Chicken Gang. Rizzo hit a three-run homer in the 5^th to seal the result.

Inmates 5 – Sidewinders 3 (Baptist Bowl): A closer game but the same result. Santana continued his hot-hitting ways with another homer, while the Inmate bullpen kept things in check.

Inmates 6 – Sidewinders 3 (Church Lot): Four Inmate homers carried the day, despite feeble attempts by the Snakes to mount a comeback in the late innings. Bauer took the loss.

Inmates 8 – Sidewinders 2 (Church Lot): Rizzo hit two homers and drove in five runs, and Manaea pitched well to continue the misery for the world-traveling Slithering Reptiles. A three-run Inmate 7^th put away any hope the Snakes had of catching up.

Sidewinders 3 – Inmates 2 (12 innings – Church Lot): A Gregorius error lead to the Inmates tying the game at 2-2 in the 8^th. The Battle of the Bullpens was won by the Snakes when they burned Bradley for two hits, two walks, and a run in the 12^th for their first win of the series.

At this point a break in the action was agreed upon by both teams, as it was 1:30 in the fucking morning and cogent thought processes were no longer possible. Game 6 began Sunday morning after the Snakes attended Mass en masse.

Sidewinders 4 – Inmates 3 (Baptist Bowl): Seemingly rejuvenated after morning religious services and prodigious quantities of fat, sodium, cholesterol and nitrates at Harold Waite’s Pancake and Steak House, the Snakes built a 4-0 lead and then hung on to extend their winning streak to two. The Inmates scored in the 9^th to close the lead to 4-3 and had the tying run at second base but the Snake bullpen prevailed.

Inmates 6 – Sidewinders 1 (Baptist Bowl): Bregman and Rizzo both hit two-run homers in the 5^th to seal the game for the Beakless Chicken Gang. The Sidewinders scored their lone run in the 8^th when someone homered.

Inmates 4 - Sidewinders 2 (Baptist Bowl): Through five innings the two teams had combined for four hits, all of which were solo homeruns. The Inmates scored two more in the 6^th without homering for the win. Go figure.

Inmates 3 – Sidewinders 2 (10 innings – Church Lot): The Sidewinders scored a pair of runs in the 1^st before their offense totally shut down. The Inmates weren’t much better, but Martinez homered in the 10^th to end the misery for both teams.

Sidewinders 4 – Inmates 3 (15 innings – Church Lot): In a near-repeat of the previous game, the offenses went comatose until Bradley repeated his inability to hang in games in extra innings. The Sidewinders salvage the series closer after both teams burn through their bullpens.

Rhinos 5, Inmates 2

Rhinos 5 – Inmates 2 (dice and cards)

Rhinos 13 – Inmates 2 (The Reserve): A game which portended the rest of the series. The Horned-Wonders blasted Manaea for ten runs, building a 6-0 lead before the Inmates recorded their first hit of the game. A six-run Rhino 7^th added to the lopsided shitfest. Three Rhinos went deep in the game. The LDMF managed four hits off of Roark.

Inmates 7 – Rhinos 5 (The Reserve): A back-and-forth game finally settled when Santana hit a two-run homer in the Inmate 9^th off of Vizcaino. Nunez homered twice for the Beakless Chicken Gang.

Rhinos 5 – Inmates 4 (The Reserve): The Rhinos out-homered the Inmates 2-1 while Alvarado recorded a one-out save to give the Endangered Ones a 2-1 series lead.

Rhinos 4 – Inmates 2 (Doubleheader Game 1 – Baptist Bowl): Wood allowed only six hits, but three are still orbiting the earth as the Rhino power rampage continued. Martinez hit a two-run blast for the Inmates in the 4^th, which prevented the ignominy of being shutout.

Inmates 4 – Rhinos 3 (Doubleheader Game 2 – Baptist Bowl): Quintana lasted 3 2/3 before mercifully being lifted for a more effective paraplegic geriatric transsexual with Parkinson’s disease. The Inmate bullpen held off the Rhino bats for the Beakless Chicken Gang’s last win of the series.

Rhinos 3 – LDMF 1 (Baptist Bowl): Only a Santana solo homer with two outs in the bottom of the 9^th kept the LDMF from being totally white-washed. Manaea struck out thirteen in seven innings while allowing only four hits, but it didn’t matter as the denizens of the Bible Belt suffered from incurable cancer-bat.

Rhinos 12 – LDMF 3 (Baptist Bowl): Martinez and Shaw hit solo homers in the 2^nd to give the Hitless Wonders an early 2-0 lead. Davies allowed solo homers in the 4^th, 5^th, and 6^th to allow the Rhinos to take the lead. The usually stellar Inmate bullpen came in to make the game a laugher, allowing nine runs between the 7^th and 8^th to blow the game open. Santana once again homered for the LDMF in the 9^th, but by then no one cared.

Inmates 2, Killer Bees 1

Inmates 2 – Bees 1 (via CM):

Inmates 7 – Bees 5 (Baptist Bowl): Ugly error-filled game with shitty pitching all around. Nunez homered and drove in four runs for the Inmates. The Bees scored single runs in the 8^th and 9^th to make things look closer than they really were.

Bees 13 – Inmates 2 (Baptist Bowl): Holy Crap, Batman! The Bee Bashers scored three in the 3^rd, three in the 4^th, and seven in the 5^th to blow away the Baptist Bowl Pussies. Garcia and Zimmerman both homered twice and drove in nine runs between them, while Sabathia and Colome shut down the Beakless Chicken Gang. A game that will live in the annals of Inmate ineptitude. . .

Inmates 10 – Bees 7 (Baptist Bowl): The Inmates blast Wacha for a four-spot in the 2^nd only to have the Bees charge right back with five in the 3^rd. The Inmates came back with four more in the 5^th to take an 8-6 lead, and then hung on.

The HEAD INMATE

Inmates 6, Weevils 4

Inmates 6 – Weevils 4 (via netplay)

Hard-fought back-and-forth series.

Inmates 6 – Weevils 4 (10 innings - BabyArm Park): Let’s see, 4-1 lead, last of the 9^th, the Inmates have Green on the hill. No worries, right? Uh-huh. A Dickerson three-run homer later and the game goes into extra-innings. Rizzo hit a two-run shot in the 10^th that held up for the win, but the rest of the series was about the same way.

Weevils 5 – LDMF 0 (BabyArm Park): Scherzer and company dominated the LDMF, allowing just three hits, as the Weevil pitching staff owned the game. Simmons and McCutcheon tatered for the Weevils.

Weevils 3 – LDMF 2 (Baptist Bowl): Scherzer fanned 14 in seven innings, totally shutting down the continued presence of the LDMF on three hits. Goldschmidt homered for the winners. Scherzer sucks.

Inmates 5 – Weevils 1 (Baptist Bowl): Cespedes and Santana both homered in the 8^th to break up a 1-1 tie for the Inmate victory. The Weevils managed just two hits off of Quintana through six before the bullpen closed things down.

Weevils 7 – Inmates 5 (12 innings – Baptist Bowl): Chad Green, continuing his self-immolating ways, allowed a 9^th inning game-tying homer to Hoskins (his second of the game) to allow the Weevils to take the game into extra innings. The Inmate offense totally shut down, while Goldschmidt crushed a two-run spud off of Morrow in the 12^th for the game-winner.

Inmates 12 – Weevils 2 (BabyArm Park): A two-run tater by Goldschmidt in the 1^st was all Salazar allowed as the Inmate bats pounded Scherzer for the only lopsided win of the day. Salazar struck out 17 in a complete game effort; Shaw homered twice for the Inmates. Scherzer deserved this.

Weevils 5 – Inmates 3 (BabyArm Park): Madson allowed two runs on three hits, including a homer, as the Weevils came from behind to kick the Beakless Chicken Gang. Giles earned the save; Greinke the win.

Inmates 9 – Weevils 7 (BabyArm Park): Another seesaw game, with the winning run scoring for the Inmates in a five-run 7^th (after the Weevils had scored four in the 6^th). The Inmate bullpen stopped most of the bleeding after Morrow allowed his second homer of the series (he allowed 0 during the 2017 season).

Inmates 12 – Weevils 9 (Baptist Bowl): The teams combined for seven homers on the day, including a pinch grand salami by Olson in the Weevil 7^th to close the Inmate lead to 9-8. Hoskins hit a pair of homers, Bregman hit a pair of homers and drove home five runs, and the wild and wooly series continued. Wood took the win despite allowing eight hits in 5 2/3.

Inmates 2 – Weevils 1 (Baptist Bowl): Kluber K’d 13 Inmates, but a two-run single by Altuve in the 3^rd stood up for the Beakless Chicken Gang. The Weevils made it interesting in the 9^th vs Green but Hoskins fanned to end the game.

Inmates 8 - Fungoes 1 - Tweeners 4

Inmates 6 – Fungoes 1/Tweeners 4 – Inmates 2

Cards and dice:

Inmates 5 – Fungoes 2 (Baptist Bowl): A three-run homer by D. Santana in the 8^th broke open a 2-2 pitcher’s duel.

Inmates 12 – Fungoes 1 (Baptist Bowl): The Fungi scored in the 1^st to take a short-lived lead, and then all hell broke loose. Nunez hit a pair of taters, Segura drove in four runs with a pair of doubles, and Manaea tossed a complete game six-hitter to totally destroy the visitors from WTF.

Fungoes 5 – Inmates 0 (Baptist Bowl): The Inmates put away their bats, getting blanked by Kennedy (!?!) and the Fungoe bullpen. The near-return of the LDMF was low-lighted in the 9^th, when the Dickless Chicken Gang had three consecutive singles with one out and still couldn’t manage to score.

Inmates 12 – Fungoes 7 (Baptist Bowl): The Fungi jumped out to a 6-0 lead in the 2^nd when Davies allowed a pair of three-run homers. With Kershaw on the mound it didn’t bode well for the Inmate chances, but Rizzo and Bregman tatered in the bottom half of the inning to make the game close. Fast-forward to the 8^th, when the Inmates scored five to break a 7-7 tie capped by Rizzo’s second spud of the game.

Inmates 5 – Fungoes 1 (WTF): Ho-hum. Not much remarkable here. The Fungoes managed only five hits, made two errors, and generally didn’t help themselves out. Martinez hit a two-run homer for the Inmates.

Inmates 4 – Fungoes 1 (WTF):  Ho-hum, part 2. The Fungoes managed only four hits, made two errors, and generally didn’t help themselves out. Martinez hit a solo homer for the Inmates.

Inmates 6 – Fungoes 5 (WTF): A closer game than the last few, but the Fungoes came up short. A Rosario grand-slam in the 7^th iced the game for the Beakless Chicken Gang.

Via Netplay:

Tweeners 4 – Inmates 2 (Hooverdome): Davies allowed three homers, including a Cozart blast on the first pitch of the bottom of the 1^st that landed somewhere in western Tennessee. The game wasn’t as close as the score indicated, as a two-run homer by Segura in the Inmate 9^th only avoided a shutout.

Tweeners 5 – Inmates 4 (Hooverdome): The Tweeners continued to make life difficult for the Inmates, as the clutchless denizens of the Baptist Bowl had 8 hits before finally scoring in the 6^th to take a 2-1 lead. Flash-forward to the last inning: A two-run homer by Cespedes in the 9^th closed the Tweener lead to 5-4, which was how the game ended.

Inmates 7 – Tweeners 2 (Hooverdome): Ray fanned 12 in 6 1/3 innings, but the Inmates managed to win anyway. Ramos hit a three-run homer, while the Inmate bullpen pitched a perfect 7^th, 8^th, and 9^th.

Tweeners 2 – Inmates 1 (Baptist Bowl): A classic pitcher’s duel. Martinez tatered in the Inmate 3^rd for a 1-0 lead that lasted into the 8^th, when the Tweeners scored a pair off of Bradley. Minor and Smith combined in the 9th to ice the game.

Inmates 9 – Tweeners 6 (Baptist Bowl): Wild game #1, with the Tweeners fighting back from a 6-1 deficit to tie the game in the 6^th. A three-run Inmate 7^th off of Minor sealed the win, causing spontaneous performances of the “Eye Gouge” in Beakless Chicken Land.

Tweeners 10 – Inmates 8 (Baptist Bowl): Wild game #2. Davies was unable to hold a 7-1 lead, allowing four Tweener homers – Parra had a three homer game! – as the wind was blowing out at the Baptist Bowl. The Inmates managed to have two baserunners on in the last of the 9^th with Rizzo at the plate but the rally died. Of note: The Tweeners hit nine homers in the series. Seven were off of Davies. On the day, Davies allowed ten homers in four starts.

FFTs 6, Inmates 4

Holy Cow Again

FFT 6 Inmates 4

Inmates 4, Killer Bees 1

Via Netplay:

Bees 6 – Inmates 5 (Baptist Bowl): A close game that shouldn’t have been this close, as the Bees missed three 1-14 BP homer rolls. Still, the Insect Horde collected three taters off of J. Gray in his first start of the year as Turner, Zimmerman and Sano all went yard. The most bizarre occurrence of the game was in the bottom of the 9^th with two outs, when HAL froze things up and prevented the game from continuing. A restart, however, allowed Albers to grab the save.

Inmates 2 – Bees 0 (Baptist Bowl): A total offensive desert as Clevinger and the Inmate bullpen shut out the visitors from the Hive. A close game with no excitement (except the Inmates won!).

Inmates 4 – Bees 3 (The Hive): A three-run homer by Inciarte off of Verlander’s card held up as the winning hit as the Beakless Chicken Gang’s bullpen once again held the Bees at bay after they’d had their way with starter Davies. Chad Green struck out the side in the 9^th for the save.

Inmates 4 – Bees 0 (The Hive): See above (“A total offensive desert as Clevinger and the Inmate bullpen shut out the visitors from the Hive “). Lots of base-running in this one as the Inmates stole four bases and the Bees three. A Santana + hit through the pulled-in infield in the 4^th inning pretty much iced the game.

Inmates 6 – Bees 4 (The Hive): The Bees scored all of their runs in the 3^rd off of J. Gray (including a three-run tater by Zimmerman), then put the bats away. The Inmates clawed back to take the lead in the 6^th; Green once again struck out the side in the 9^th for the save.

A Post from the HEAD INMATE

2018 Zits

Time for the eagerly-awaited unveiling of the 2018 Zit roster, the only available review of the most inept team possible with the available cards. While some of the choices can be (master)debated, the possibility of 150+ losses is irrefutable.

Starting with the Arson Squad:

SP – JERED WEAVER -Ya gotta have an ace, and who better to lead the staff than this grizzled veteran? Not only can’t he keep the ball in the park, but in the event that someone doesn’t homer he can’t hold, either.

SP – BRETT ANDERSON – What staff can function without a lefty? Especially one who can’t get lefties out – or hold baserunners when they get on.

SP – CESAR VALDEZ – A young fire-baller who epitomizes the incendiary meltdown tendencies of a prototypical Zit, every “7” on his card is a hit. He does have a -2 hold, but no one ever hits singles against this guy.

SP – DREW VERHAGEN – Every “9” is a homer chance. Need more be said?

Long Relief – BRADEN SHIPLEY – When Zit starters inevitably tire from tossing BP, Shipley can come in for the long-haul and keep fanning the flames.

Setup – FRANKIE MONTAS – This guy can really set the table with over 15 points of taters vs lefties (not including the 8 points of BP). Spud City here we come!

CL – SHAWN KELLEY – With a closer rating of 3, this card makes you wonder what it takes to get a 6. Ever seen a 6-7 N-HR before? Check out his righty side.

On to the hitters:

C – LUKE MAILE – OK, defensively he’s actually very non-Zit-like. Too bad it didn’t transfer to his offensive capabilities.

1B – CHASE D’ARNAUD – He can actually get a (rare) hit against righties, but he makes up for it by showing flaccid-bat syndrome against lefties and having digit-less hands defensively.

2B – MIKE FREEMAN – How does a “3” at 2B get an e59? Oh yeah, the only chance for a hit on his card is on the right side, with a 3-4 HR-1/flyout 2-20. This is a clean-up hitter extraordinaire.

3B – JAE-GYUN HWANG – Good thing there’s a Hwang in his name, ‘cause he doesn’t show one in his hitting.

SS – RAUL MONDESI – The team speed-demon who’s so fast he outruns groundballs to earn an e56. He’s a * stealer, but how he earned this is a mystery since he’s never on base to steal.

LF – CODY ASHE – The Zit team captain, with only HBPs on his card and a 5(+1)e3 in left.

CF – ALEJANDRO DE AZA – What team is complete without a veteran presence in the clubhouse? Showing e21 (in)capabilities in all three outfield positions as well as a total inability to get on base, young Zits have the opportunity to observe full-fledged acne.

RF – TYLER WADE – The poster boy for the Cancer Bat Society. Power rankings don’t read “W,” they read “WTF?”

DH – STUART TURNER – Also functions as the back-up catcher. The only Zit with “N” power on both sides, which is good, because there’s almost no other way he can get a hit.

Adam Jones to the DVs

The Inmates parted with their long-time center fielder Adam Jones today, sending him to the DVs. The DVs also receive picks 116 and 137. The Inmates get the 2019 3rd round pick of the DVs.

The plan is for Jones, 32, to man CF for the DVs until Victor Robles is ready to take over.

Cotton Pickin'

The Inmates traded picks 60, 61, and 127 to the Warpigs for picks 47 and 116.

More Picks on the Move

The Fungoes traded their 2019 3rd round pick to the Inmates for picks 62 and 76.

Mavs Pick Up Another Reserve

The Inmates traded a reserve and pick 105 to the Mavs for pick 62.

Good News for the Inmates

We heard earlier that long time Inmate star Rafael Palmeiro was making a comeback. Then there was news his batting cage sessions were smokin' and that he was hammering the ball. Here's proof:

Rafael Palmeiro: The comeback is real!

2017 Playoff Preview

Well, well, well... it's that time of the year again. The MLB season is over, but neither the cards, the ratings, nor the Wahoo stats are here. So it must be NASOMA playoff time.

This year's lineup features the league's oldest and most iconic team as the #1 seed, a team who has been to 3 straight World Series as seed #2, three teams who have yet to win their first title... and the Fungoes.

The Buckeyes, looking for their 8th Higdon, dominated the field in the regular season. He will have the top seed and the home table advantage. Could this be his chance to win his first title since 2005?

The Sidewinders have been on a roll for 4 years now, and is as experienced and playoff savvy as anybody heading into this post season. Will he coast thru the playoffs like he did last year and claim back-to-back titles?

Or maybe this is the year a new team gets its name etched onto the Higdon. The Inmates have been to the Series twice before, but there was a 19-year gap between them. And since his last appearance was only 4 years ago, it seems too early for him to return. It is, however, the Year of the Inmates. Again.

Or is it the Year of the Wahoos? The Wahoos made the finals once before - in 2000, but more importantly, the Hoos join the Snakes as the only two teams to make the playoffs the last 4 years. Maybe this is the year they finally take the final step.

The Rhinos have also been to a World Series, losing to the DVs (Editor's note: how embarrassing) in 2012. Maybe 2017 is his chance at redemption - especially since before the season started, the Rhinos traded their best hitter and best reliever to the DVs, who somehow managed to miss the playoffs anyway while the Rhinos won 98 games. Is this a sign?

The Fungoes slipped into the #6 seed mainly because the Mavs made the mistake of thinking we had passed the rule that allowed the 7th best team to draft #1. The Fungoes have won the Higdon twice before, however, in both 2006 and 2014, so they are experienced at playoff Strat. And any team that gets to pitch Clayton Kershaw has a chance to win (unless that team is the Dodgers).

Without further ado, here are the much lauded, much anticipated, much re-tweeted Big Innings predictions...

First Round - #4 Wahoos vs #5 Rhinos
SP - Even. Fernandez, Verlander, Arrieta, and Estrada for the Wahoos; Syndergaard, Aaron Sanchez, Cole, and Archer for the Rhinos. Maybe a slight edge to the Hoos, but both rotations are elite.
RP - Wahoos. By a lot. Not that Devenski and company aren't good, but the Wahoos have a pen envied by every NASOMA team west of Lexington.
C/Inf - Rhinos. Barely. Votto, Lemahieu, and Bryant make up for the weak-link Story at ss. The Wahoo group is almost as good offensively, and they're better defensively. So it's close.
OF/DH - Wahoos. Not close. The Rhinos didn't win 98 games because of their outfield of Duvall, Buxton, Myers, Kemp, and Marisnick. They won because of their pitching, their infield, and the attention to detail that becomes necessary when you only draft 289 catcher ABs.

Even though the Rhinos won 7 more games than the Wahoos, they are the lower seed because the Wahoos won their division. Head to head, the Rhinos won 7 of 10. But none of that matters. Last year, the Warpigs were clobbered during the regular season by both the Wahoos and Fungoes, but then beat them in the playoffs. Conversely, the Pigs went 9-1 vs the Sidewinders only to get rung up in 5 games against them in the Series.

The Rhinos will get confused when, for the first time this year, they will not be forced to pinch hit for the catcher every time he comes up. That confusion - along with the Wahoo relievers and the frustration that comes with NEVER getting a break on an x-chance against the All-One Wahoos - will lead to a Wahoo victory.

First Round - #3 Inmates vs #6 Fungoes
SP - Even. Except when Kershaw is pitching. Really, neither team has a SP (other than Kershaw) who would even make the playoff rosters of the Wahoos or Rhinos.
RP - Even. In an unimaginative, tedious manner. Neither team has an impressive bullpen - or even a shut down stopper. On the other hand, both have useful hurlers who can probably get some outs.
C/Inf - Inmates. Slightly. Rizzo and Altuve win out over Lindor and Murphy, but not by much. Offensively, the Fungoes have a slight edge because of Murphy, but playing Murphy and Carpenter in the field will hurt them at some point. Both teams have great arms behind the plate.
OF/DH - Fungoes. Slightly. Trout and Betts tilt this area to the Fungoes, but the Inmates have CarGo, JD, Cespedes, and Adam Jones. Not too shabby.

Another interesting first round match-up, this one between HWD division rivals. The Inmates went 8-6 against the Fungoes and finished 8 games ahead in the standings. The Fungoes lean heavily on Kershaw and Price, but the Inmates hit LHP well. The Inmates have so-so pitching, but the Fungoes have so-so hitting. Defensively, any ball hit on the ground causes Fungo fans to hold their collective breath while praying that Lindor dashes in front of the other guys to take it. The Fungo scorecard lists Lindor as "Infield Rover."

If this were a 2nd round series complete with days off after games 2 & 5, I'd give the nod to the team that would get to start Kershaw 3 times. But with no off days, the tall Texan can only start twice. Now, the Fungoes could use him out of the pen so he could pitch every game. This might be the only hope the Fungoes have, but one that is destined to backfire. Limited to 3 innings in each game leaves the Fungoes relying on the rest of a lackluster staff for two thirds of every game. Neither of these teams is better than the two teams in the other first round series, but the Inmates will be running the prison and will be victorious in round one.

Second Round - #1 Buckeyes vs #4 Wahoos
The Buckeyes vs the Wahoos lacks the glamour and tension that a Buckeye/Inmate series would offer. And for the Buckeyes, a series vs the Inmates would be preferable. The Buckeyes have been and always will be in the Head Inmate's head. And the Buckeye bats would devour the Inmate pitching staff. BUT... the series is between the Buckeyes and the Wahoos, and while homers will definitely be flying out of both parks, the Buckeyes can't match the Wahoo pitching. Every game will end 14-12, but the Wahoos will come out on top, advancing to only their 2nd World Series ever.

Second Round - #2 Sidewinders vs #3 Inmates
The Snakes vs the Inmates will have a similar result for a similar reason. The Snake pitching is light years ahead of the Inmate pitching, and the Impotentmates, who can and will score in bunches, won't do it often enough to overcome the mighty Sidewinder machine. The Snakes will join the Buckeyes and Warpigs as the only NASOMA teams to make it 4 straight World Series.

World Series - #2 Sidewinders vs #4 Wahoos
I'd really like to pick the Wahoos, and thereby put extra pressure on him... and the Sidewinders will be fresher, having played fewer games going in. (Editor's note: Scratch that. The Wahoos are young and spry; the Sidewinders are old and fat. The extra games theory is compromised. Looking back, I can't believe I typed the words "the Sidewinders will be fresher.' The Sidewinders are never fresher.) Both teams have the best bullpens in NASOMA by a wide margin. And, along with the Rhinos and Skyscrapers, the best rotations. When you consider the damn Wahoo defense, it's hard not to pick the Wahoos. But the difference... the deciding factor... the key to the series will be a player no longer active in the game. No, I'm not talking about Weekend at Bernie's... I'm referring to Big Papi. Write this down: In his last ever Strat appearance, Ortiz with a game 7 walk-off homer. Sidewinders repeat.

Inmates and Warpigs Trade

The Inmates traded Carlos Gonzalez and Michael Pineda to the Warpigs for the Fungo 4th round pick.