Mavs 5, Buckeyes 2

This was truly abhorrent to baseball fans everywhere.

In this year’s edition of the “Hide the Women and Children” series, the woeful Mavs take on the inept Buckeyes.  The two teams have combined for 119 losses in their first 178 games.  That is a winning percentage of 33.1% for those of you keeping score at home.   The Mavs are thrilled to point out that we actually bring the average up.  The beauty of math is that at the end of this series, no matter what, the combined winning percentage will rise to 34.3%.  Kids please don’t try this at home.

4/6 David “Pat” Buchanan, noted conservative columnist, failed presidential candidate and known sex offender takes the hill against clean living Trimble Tech grad Yovanni Gallardo.  The Mavs note that Buckeyes manager Spiro Agnew selected an all left handed lineup vs. Yovanni.  The Mavs further note that left handed people have a higher incidence of sexual deviancy (it’s a fact, you can look it up) and have issued special personal protective equipment to the ball girls.  With runners on second and third and one out Michael Morse lines into a double play to end the first as these two teams demonstrate an exceptional ability to find a way to lose.  Meanwhile in the top of the second the Buckeyes get a ballpark single, a Justin Upton X double and a walk but can’t score.  You get the picture.  Michael Morse hits two homers (although we’ll note that when he had the chance to do it with men on he lined into a double play) and does not win the Betty’s Brothel Blow of the Game (much to the girl’s chagrin – Morse is gifted).  That honor goes to the mime Marcel Ozuna who went four for five with a homer and four runs scored.  The Mavs start saving at bats in the seventh and wonder if perhaps the Buckeyes get to see more of the other team’s roster than any other team in the league.  Mavs win 10-2.

 

4/7 Buckeye Manager Spiro Agnew sends Tail Gunner Joseph “Brandon” McCarthy to the mound to face clean living, if ineffective, Homer Allowed Bailey.  The Buckeyes lose a homer to being weak, the Mavs let a single through the infield, the Buckeyes choke in the clutch.  And that is just the top of the first.  You get the picture.  Baseball purists are mainlining heroin by the time the bottom of the third rolls around.  The Buckeyes leave seven on in the first three innings and that isn’t near as remarkable as the fact that they got seven on to begin with.  Howie Kendrick let two on with an X chart hit and an error and Harper misplayed a flyball into a double. Nonetheless the Buckeyes are down as famous French mime Marcel Ozuna went deep again in the second.  The game trudges on much like a German march into Russia in the late fall and one fears it won’t end well.  Alas it is the Buckeyes who suffer.  Davis and Upton crack two run homers and the Mavs begin searching the bench for who has at bats just like they do in the majors.  Homer Allowed tires in the sixth but the real problem continues to be the Mavs gloves as a Chris Davis two base error leads to two runs.  8-3 heading to the seventh here in Stalingrad.  The Mavs go to Carlos “King” Carrasco who shuts down the Buckeyes.  The Grumpy’s Bail Bonds Player of the Game goes to Marcel Ozuna who homered and singled.  The Terry Miller Accounting Award goes to Chris Davis who allowed two runs with an error but plated two with a homer and therefore “broke even”.  Mavs win 8-3.

 

4/8 Well mom said there’d be days like this.  It is a Mavs – Buckeyes double header.  Spiro Agnew tags Kevin Gausman, fresh out off of a two year stint with good behavior against clean living Wily “Coyote” Peralta.  Things proceed along uneventfully until the two little league teams lock horns in a battle of ineptitude in the top of the fourth.  Martin leads off with a single off the pitchers card.  He steals second and goes to third on a second base X.  Marcel Ozuna fails to track down a flyball that turns into a double.  The Buckeyes are caught stealing third.  Here comes another single.  The Buckeyes are caught stealing second and the inning ends.  But the Buckeyes have their first lead of the series.  It stays 1-0 Buckeyes until two outs in the bottom of the seventh.  The thug Gausman hits little Elvis.  Elvis steals second and starts changing “Pitcher’s got a big butt” and amid the distraction Lucroy doubles Elvis home.  Tie game runner on second two outs and the very vulnerable to lefties Jason Heyward due up.  Will Spiro Agnew stay with Gausman?  Yes but only to walk him to get to Justin Upton.  Can’t blame him there.  Justin is hitting a cool .196.  Sure enough Justin grounds out.  Cody Asche hits a ballpark homer off Zach Britton in the top of the eighth.  And the Buckeyes lead going to the bottom of the eighth.  Will Spiro stay with the thug Gausman?  Yes and why not.  He shuts down the Mavs.  After the Buckeyes go quietly in the ninth, we head to the bottom of the ninth with the eyes of the nation glued to the possibility of a Buckeye win.  Gausman gets HK47 on a 4-7 gapper.  The Mavs turn to Bryce Harper to pinch hit for country breakfast.  He misses a ballpark single.  Two down, the Mavs pull out their Wong to take the place of Elvis.  Wong lines a 1-7 single.  Wong is asleep and can’t get his lead.  It is all down to Lucroy.  Wait Spiro is bringing in Nefti Feliz.  Gausman slams a water cooler and looks for his gun.  The Mavs pinch run Amarista to see if he can pick up the steal sign.  He misses it.  It is still down to Lucroy.  He grounds sharply to third and there will be riots in Buckeyeville tonight as the Buckeyes win 2-1.  The thug Kevin Gausman appropriately wins the Grumpy’s Bail Bonds Player of the Game.  Grumpy’s you ring, we spring.

 

4/8 Spiro Agnew sends white collar crime mastermind Jordan Lyles (let’s face it, with a name like that it has to be white collar crime) to the mound to face clean living Texan Clay Buchholz.  As noted earlier these two teams play an especially ugly brand of baseball so I’ll spare you the X chart failures, base running blunders and “batter gets his pitch and chokes in the clutch details”.  I can only say that I hope Glenn actually played these games like me and didn’t take the coward’s way out with a set of EQA’s.  Suffice it to say that the Mavs failed more than the Buckeyes and the valiant Buckeyes swept the Mavs.  Jordan Lyle gets the win and fraudulently claims a save as well since he was on the mound at the end of the game and wins the Grumpy’s Bail Bond Player of the Game. 5-2 Buckeyes.

 

9/7 Spiro Agnew sends the white sheep of the Howie Kendrick family, meth distributor Kyle Kendrick, to the mound to face the clean living Jake Odorizzi.  It’s September so both teams have activated players that aren’t usually even good enough to play for these two teams.  Heaven help us these will be three ugly games.  And oh children the stories I could tell.  The errors I saw.  The strikeouts with men on base.  The hideous baserunning.  The top of the third for example.  Davis error, Wong error, three run homer by Kiemaier.  Or perhaps when the Mavs tied it when Brandon Morrow clipped Michael Morse with the bases loaded in the bottom of the seventh.  Or maybe when after the Buckeyes took the lead Morrow walked in the tying run in the eighth.  But there is really no reason for everyone to suffer.  The only thing worse than watching nine innings of this is watching ten.  The Mavs win as Wong stiffens up and homers in the bottom of the tenth.  Somehow the Mavs overcome leaving 16 men on base and making four errors to win.  Lucroy’s 4-5 with three RBI’s and three runs scored garners the Grumpy’s Bail Bonds Player of the Game.

 

9/8 Pedophile Pat Buchanan takes the mound against clean living Trimble Tech graduate Yovanni Gallardo.  Sadly the game once again goes into extra innings despite the best efforts of both teams to lose.  Heading into the bottom of the tenth the Mavs have left fifteen on base and hit into two double plays.  So despite a Buckeye error, 12 Mav hits and five walks, the Mavs have only two runs going to the bottom of the tenth when Cody Asche with visions of a post game trip to Betty’s Brothel throws an Elvis Andrus grounder into the stands.  Lucroy can’t bunt for shit and Jackie “I’m not a girl” Bradley is on deck so the bunt is ruled out.  4-6 single 1-6 lo with a twelve rolled for Lucroy.  Oh no Bradley is actually grabbing a bat (the Mavs made a ton of moves trying to win earlier – anything to end this misery).  Strikeout.  Who’d have guessed?  It is all up to limp dick Justin Upton who is now hitting .191.  What’s this?  Spiro Agnew walks Upton to get to Chris Davis.  Well OK Davis is hitting .121 but he is left handed and this is Feliz on the mound.  Davis takes a 4-7 walk bringing up Ironhead Heyward with the bases loaded and two outs.  Remember he can’t touch lefties and I’m out of players.  Will Spiro stay with Feliz?  Yes and a 3-10 gbB is his reward.  We go to the eleventh. Oh the humanity.  The Mavs bring in Carlos "King” Carrasco.  He strikes out the side (mostly on the Buckeye ’s cards – but that is not unheard of).  Spiro Agnew goes to the lefty now, J A. Happ to face Bryce Harper.  But Harper hits lefties as good as righties and Happ is a reverse lefty.  Explain that one Hal.  Why not bring him in to face Heyward with the bases loaded and the game on the line? Harper takes a 1-7 walk and out comes our Wong.  The Mavs look at the next two hitters (Amarista and Elvis) at tell Wong to go up hacking.  But he takes a walk.  But hey this let’s Alexi bunt.  He sets it down.  Outfield in, infield in against Elvis – which given his power is the normal alignment.  3-3 gbC.  Lucroy coming up.  Will Spiro walk him to get to Jackie Fucking Bradley?  I sure would.  Yep.  Bases loaded and it is all up to Jackie Fucking Bradley.  2-7 gbA.  The Mavs have now left 21 on base.  Marcel Ozuna misses a ballpark tater in the bottom of the twelfth but at least the Mavs left no one on.  Carrasco shuts the Buckeyes down in the top of the thirteenth in his third perfect inning of work.  Happ gives up a harmless single and we head to the fourteenth still tied 2-2.  The Mavs go to Jessica Hahn.  Scooter Ginnett misses a ball park homer, literally the only time the Buckeyes have come close in five innings.  Spiro Agnew leaves Happ out to work his fourth inning.  Lucroy leads off with a double because he missed the damn homer.  Up to the plate comes Jackie Fucking Bradley.  Think he’ll bunt?  No because he is a D – I guess the Red Sox like watching him swing and miss.  Lucroy is 1-11 and Homer Allowed Bailey is 1-14 so in comes the pinch runner.  Bradley strikes out.  Surprise.  Happ walks Upton.  Chris Davis hits a RF X.  Uh oh Spiro Agnew has 5 e2 Logan Morrison out there.  It’s a double (why is that – there were runners on first and second – did Davis really make it out of the box and into second before Bailey made it home).  Mavs win in 14 3-2.  Lucroy gets the Grumpy’s Bail Bonds Player of the Game for getting the hit that led to the winning run.

 

9/9 White Collar Crime Lord Jordan Lyles takes the hill against clean living Jason Hammel.  I’m pretty sure 9/9 is my anniversary but I’m not going to ask.  Anyway the Mavs feel good about their chances because it could be their anniversary.  Our faith is justified when Michael Morse hits a 6-2 ballpark homer with a man on in the bottom of the second.  This is a remarkably crisp game other than the requisite fielding errors by both teams.  Hammel and Britton combine on a four hit shutout.  Morse wins the Betty’s Brothel Blow of the Game with the 6-2 ballpark homer that was the difference in the game.  Mavs win 3-0.

 

Surely it will be better next year.