Inmates 4, Mavs 1

The Inmates took 4 out of 5 at the Rastadome.

June 23^rd:  The Inmates drive the getaway truck straight to the Rastadome.  Taking the mound for the Inmates in the first game is convicted Ponzi scheme baron and curveballer (I don’t know which is worse) Colin McHugh against clean living Jason Hamel.  Both pitchers mow through the first six innings.  In the top of the seventh the Mavs decide to let Hammels pitch to Rizzo and then go to a right handed reliever.  We still get to do that but only after Rizzo homers.  Meanwhile with a one run lead, the Inmates go to convicted Meth Lab cooker Justin Grimm.  Jessica Hahn has a bad hair day in the top of the eighth and gives up an insurance run.  The Inmates go to convicted polygamist Pat Neshek to save it.  One double and two infield hits later and Neshek is heading to the showers and looking for the tunnel from the clubhouse to Betty’s  Brothel.  The Inmates go to Neil Ramirez – surely there is something better than that in the pen.  The Inmates have placed undue faith in the Mavs and authorized them to override Hal’s foolishness.  This is despite the Mavs starting Chris Davis at third most of the year (slash line of .123/.343.226 with 21 errors).  Ramirez against Bryce Harper with the game on the line and not much on the bench is foolishness.  Sure enough convicted statutory rapist JP Howell is on the bench for the Inmates.  In comes Howell.  The Mavs make the only move they really can and bring in Country Breakfast who hits into an alarming amount of double plays (16% chance here).  And sure enough it is a 3-2 lomax.  Inmates win 3-2.  Rizzo wins the Betty’s Brothel Blow of the Game for his solo homer and McHugh gets the Grumpy’s Bail Bonds Player of the game giving up four hits and striking out six.  I never could hit curves.  And if you are wondering, Harper singles on 3-2 against a righty (lomax against a lefty).

June 24^th:  Homer Allowed Bailey against Alfredo Simon who was unjustly incarcerated for shooting the guy next to him who pulled up playing his music so loud that his truck shook.  There is a little known provision on the books that makes that illegal. The Mavs however know better and will honor Alfredo as an American hero in the bottom of the fourth.  Homer allows a three run ballpark tater to Rizzo in the top of the first.  Michael Morse doubled and Marcel Ozuna homered (both off the pitcher’s card) in the bottom of the fourth causing a few of the less drunk Mav fans to wake up.  When Howie Kendrick followed a batter later with a home run off of his card the fans went wild – and Mav fans unlike Blue Jay fans know the value of a full beer can so there was no littering.  The Mavs go to Carlos King Carrasco and he shuts down the Inmates in the top of the sixth.  In the bottom of the sixth with two on and two out the Inmates bring in reverse righty Justin Grimm and the Mavs counter with Country Breakfast.  Fly out.  Oh no, Jackie F. Bradley is going into the game.  In the top of the seventh a Carrasco error leads to two unearned runs.  Meanwhile Justin Grimm keeps the Mavs in check.  Rizzo adds yet another homer in the 8^th and Neshek shuts the Mavs out.  Inmates 6-3.  Rizzo, the rat bastard, wins the Grumpy’s Bail Bonds Player of the Game going yard twice and driving in four runs.

June 25^th:  Convicted Zoophile Bud Norris takes the mound against Clay Buchholz.  The Mavs take their first lead of the series with a two out stolen base by Justin Upton followed by a Michael Morse single.  Beers all around in the ballpark – a lead.  Unfortunately, two HBP’s and a single in the top of the sixth results in a tie. The Mav fans go on drinking.  In the top of the seventh two singles and a bunt hit squeeze play and the Mavs are down one.  The Mavs drink even more heavily.  In the top of the eighth a walk, Elvis error, walk and bases clearing triple.  The Mav fans begin freebasing.  In the ninth the Rat Bastard Rizzo adds his fourth homer of the series.  The Inmates win 6-1.  Josh Reddick wins the Grumpy’s Bail Bonds Player of the Game going 2-4 with three RBI’s.

August 30^th:  Mercifully there are only two games left.  Convicted Racketeer and Cartel Leader Jose Quintana vs. Yovanni Gallardo.  A Vargas two run homer in the top of the first gives the Inmates yet another lead.  A Lucroy (??) triple followed by a Wong groundball cuts the lead in half in the bottom of the first.  Lucroy leads off the fourth with his 61^st double.  Wong moves him to third with a grounder and Upton hits a sacrifice fly.  Tie game!!  Tequila flows in the stands.  And then a miracle occurs.  Ozuna doubles.  Castellanos walks and Marte makes a three base error.  A Mav lead!!!  Hide the women and children (always a good idea at a Mav game), bedlam breaks out.  Michael Morse hits a homer.  The stands look like back stage at a Motley Crue concert in the 80’s.  Two more errors lead to a total of seven unearned runs (the Inmates were heard to holler “fuck me”).  The Mavs bring on Greg Holland to get five outs.  He can’t do it but Jessica Hahn can and the Mavs win 9-5.  The Grumpy’s Bail Bonds Player of the Game goes to Lucroy for his double and triple.

August 31^st:  Ponzi scheme baron Colin McHugh vs. Jason Hammel.  A single and two base error by Rusney Castillo (3e14 such things will happen) leads to an early Inmate lead. Surprise.  Carlos King Carrasco comes in to give up four unearned runs in the top of the sixth.  The Mavs need to fire their dope smoking groundskeeper.  This is twelve unearned runs in the last two games.  The Inmates give up one meaningless run and win going away 5-1.  Josh Reddick wins the Grumpy’s Bail Bonds Player of the Game with another 2-4 three RBI performance