May 26: Fresh off a plane with three questionable bottles of shampoo, the Zaps arrive at the Rastadome and start Zack Grienke against Jason Hammel. The Mavs take a look at Grienke’s card and ask the Zaps for some shampoo. Justin Upton hits a 3-4 straight out homer in the bottom of the first with Heyward on first. The Zaps reach into their bag for a Walmart Equate size shampoo bottle. Marcel Ozuna hits a 2-8 homer 1-13 and the Zaps reach for a lighter and some tin foil. Fear not Left Coast fans. Hammel is on the mound. Rendon hits a two run homer in the top of the third and a bit later Hammel walks in the tying run. Russel Martin doubles in the lead run in the fifth. Meanwhile Grienke has retired 600 hitters in a row because hey that card is good and we aren’t. But Upton gets an X chart hit and Hal pulls Grienke for Al-Quaida’s number three man Abad but the Mavs can’t hit him either. The Zaps tack on another run with a tater by Chase Utley and probably would have had more but Hal put the hit and run on with Joyce at the plate and runners on first and second and he lined into a double play on a ballpark single. The Mavs get the tying run to second with two outs in the bottom of the ninth, put their Wong in (so to speak) and the Zaps counter with righty Ken Giles. The Mavs counter with a righty Christian Vazquez just like you would in real baseball. He smacks the game tying double and Upton follows with a 4-5 double. For the record the only hit on Giles card. Fortunately the Zaps had passed out long ago. The Betty’s Brothel Blow of the Game goes to Vazquez. Mavs 6-5 over the Zaps.
May 27th: The Zaps pit Francisco Liriano against Wily Coyote Peralta. The Mavs draw first blood with an X chart double and error by Joyce scoring the batter. But an Andrus error leads to a Bautista grand slam with two outs in the top of the third. The Mavs scratch out two runs in the sixth thanks to the Zaps X chart riddled middle infield. But Peralta allows a two run homer to Santana who has basically allowed two runs to score but is 4-4 with two RBI’s. He makes an error in the seventh but gets his fifth hit in the eighth. Defensive replacement Goldschmidt doubles and the Zaps tack on two more in the ninth. No doubt about the Grumpy’s Bail Bonds Player of the game as Santana goes 5-5 and goes yard. Zaps 8-3
May 28th: The Zaps start Corey Kluber and the Mavs start Clay Buchholtz. The Fangraphs probability of a win for the Mavs stands at 0.03%. The Mavs score a run on a sac fly by Crush Davis after a triple 1-3 fly but give it back and then some with two errors (one by Crush who is standing at 0 currently on the FFT plus/minus system) – 3-1 after 3. The Zaps tack on 3 more in the top of the 4th as Fangraphs has now stopped even tracking the game. I was talking to the Fungoes and DV’s about how great it would be to have a win probability tracker in real life Let’s say you are talking to a cute girl – win probability 15% (well maybe when I was younger). She asks “what do you do for fun?” I answer “I play Strat-O-Matic – win probability 0.02%. Corey Kluber goes nine and strikes out ten winning the Grumpy’s Bail Bonds Player of the Game as the Zaps win 7-3.
August 3rd: The Zaps send in Zack Grienke to face Trimble Tech and Bandito Motorcycle Gang alumnus Yovanni Gallardo. Today’s game is brought to you by Liquor Mart. Stop by after the game regardless of your in game consumption. We’ve paid the cops to look elsewhere. Liquor Mart “we pay the law so you don’t have to”. The Zaps would be up by ten but Hal keeps getting people tossed out running the bases so it is 3-1 when the Mavs finally chase Grienke in the bottom of the seventh. The Mavs made a valiant effort but left two on and only narrowed the score to 3-2. The Zaps take advantage of another Elvis error, a Morse X-chart hit and push three insurance runs across. Note to Mav management: Infield defense matters. Justin Upton hits his second homer of the game to cut the lead in half but Ozuna and Morse miss ballpark taters and that is pretty much it. 7-4 Zaps as the Mavs are clearly outclassed. Reyes goes 2-4 with two runs scored and two driven in to win the Grumpy’s Bail Bonds Player of the Game. And the Mav fans weave their way down to Liquor Mart.
August 4th: Francisco Liriano takes the hill against Jason Hammel. It is Republican Presidential candidate night tonight. We had to add extra seating down the far right side of the field to accommodate them all (and widen the entrance to the field to accommodate Donald Trump’s ego). In the top of the first Corey Dickerson hits the 28th homer allowed by Hammel in 148 innings. Note to Mav management: starting pitching matters. Dickerson singles in another run in the top of the sixth. Zaps up 2-0 but out of the blue Elvis draws a walk and Country Breakfast homers. New ballgame and following a Lucroy walk, Liriano is pulled because he is tired despite having only allowed two hits. ISIS leader Danny Faquar gives up a single to Upton. Morse follows with a bases clearing double. A catcher X single on 1e1 Lucroy chases Hammel but the Mavs pen comes through bringing up yet another blown save opportunity for Greg Holland in the ninth. Despite a leadoff walk, Holland hangs on and the Mavs win 4-2. The Betty’s Brothel Blow of the Game goes to Mike Morse for the game winning double.
August 5th: The Mavs ignore the warning signs and pitch Wily Peralta again and the Zaps counter with Corey Kluber. Oh dear. This cries out for a good give away. It is Betty’s Brothel Bobblehead Night here at the ballpark. No surprise with that give away the Republican Presidential candidates are back for another go at it. Not surprisingly Wily Peralta gives up hits left and right but Corey Dickerson is thrown out twice trying to steal and a couple of well place LOMAX’s help the Mavs to a 5-3 lead through six. Through seven the Zaps have had 15 baserunners, scored five and left four on base. Meanwhile Hal sends Corey Kluber out to pitch the bottom of the seventh with an eleven hitter going. Kluber mows the Mavs down. Hal knows all. Kendrick hits a homer 1-14 triple and gets the triple to lead off the bottom of the eighth. Hit number twelve. Hal sticks with Kluber. Elvis botches a squeeze and of course Lucroy follows with a single. Kluber makes it through the eighth despite allowing his thirteenth hit and you can throw in two walks as well as the game that neither team wants moves to the ninth and then the tenth. Nick Castellanos lets a single through and Greg Holland takes another loss. Zaps 6-5. Cutch goes 3-5 with two homers and four RBI’s to win the Grumpy’s Bail Bonds Player of the Game. Rat bastard.
August 6th: It is Scherzer against Odorizzi in a Z laden match up. Neither pitcher is sharp as both give up a bunch of baserunners but the Mavs push a few more across and are up 5-2 heading to the top of the sixth – the Trojan prevention inning. Free condoms for all fans if the Mavs can hold the Zaps scoreless. Fittingly the Mavs bring in Jessica Hahn for the sixth. Thanks a botched hit and run the Zaps fail to score despite two more walks by Hahn. The Mavs score two insurance runs in the bottom of the sixth on a Rendon X swing and miss at 2B. Hal leaves Scherzer in to pitch the bottom of the seventh working on a thirteen hitter. He mows the Mavs down. Hal knows all. After two singles and a walk load the bases in the bottom of the eighth, Hal decides Scherzer is finally tired. Fifteen hits and four walks allowed in seven innings. The Mavs win 8-3. The Grumpy’s Bail Bonds Player of the Game goes to Jonathan Lucroy who went 2-5 including his 61st double.
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Where do I text to get notification of the next Betty's Brothel Bobblehead Night?
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