Season Predictions

BUD... The Rhinos will run away with the BUD, getting the #1 seed. Said the Rhino boss, "This is fun! I should have tried this winning thing years ago!" The other three teams will all fail to get to 70 wins and will have 3 of the first 5 picks in the 2011 Draft.

NERDD... The Drillers are convinced he is playing for next year. The Fungoes are sure he is a year away. The DVs have been trying to dump talent all winter and rebuild. The FFTs are trying to decide which team to make a Higdon winner next. So who wins? The Drillers. Lincecum and Haren will prove too much for the rest of the division. The Fungoes will be close and will vie for a wild card spot, but come up just short. Their consolation is having the "team to beat" in 2011. The DVs will try to lose games to get the first pick in the 2011 Draft, but will fail at that (too), finishing the season 81-81 - good enough for the 8th pick in the Draft. Said the DV manager, "Around August somebody pointed out that Jason Heyward was already on a team, so I don't mind so much. Still, I wish I had known all along. We should get a website or something so we can keep up with crap like that." The FFTs will leave Draft weekend with a record of 60-92, cursing the Inmates for putting off their games for later.

MFD... The Buckeyes continue to show up at the Draft each year with the least talent in the entire league. In fact, they seem to be making a mockery of the league by trying to outdo themselves each year. This year they have really bent over backwards to field a team of Zits. Their offensive stars this year will be Gabe Kapler and Jack Cust. They will, of course, win their division easily. I predict they leave the Draft with a record of 35-5. As September approaches, the MFD opponents will have these reactions to the Buckeyes clinching another pennant... Inmates: "I don't care about the math, I still think I can win this. Good thing I saved those ten FFT games for October. That's a sure ten wins!" Nads: I thought this would be the year, then my computer crashed on me." Mavs: "I don't have to try to lose, I already have Jason Heyward!"

AWD... The AWD will be this year's BUD, sending three teams to the playoffs. The Sidewinders will win the division, finishing just ahead of the Zaps and Tweeners; but the intensity of the division games will cost them a bye in the first round. The Killer Bees will play the role of the SuperGoofs, finding the three powerhouses ahead of him too much to overcome. Like the Fungi, the Bees are loaded for a run in 2011.

The Post Season... The first round will pit the Snakes against the Tweeners and the Zaps against the Drillers. The Snakes will continue their tradition of underachieving in the playoffs, and the Tweeners will advance in 7 games. Said the Snakeman, "At least we played face to face and I can avoid another depressing plane ride to the PigSty... but... GODDAMMIT!" The Zaps will dispatch the Drillers, rolling over them in 6 games. The Zaps lose games 2 and 5, quitting the league after each loss, only to change his mind and return.

(What? Too soon?)

In the second round, the Tweeners will play the top-seeded Rhinos and give them a run for their money before falling in 6. Tweener skipper Al Davis commented, "I don't know what's worse, losing on this damn NetPlay or flying to Texas to get my butt kicked." The Zaps will have the Buckeyes easily out-manned in their series, but league rules state the Buckeyes win series like this. Buckeyes in 7. Carpenter throws at least 3 innings in all 7 games. He starts 3 of them, relieves in 3, and in game 7 he both starts AND relieves, getting both the win and the save. You gotta admire a pitcher who can relieve himself on the mound.

The World Series will have the star-studded Rhinos against the painfully inept Buckeyes. Just a glimpse at the stats will show the tale... the Rhinos will have 12 players on the NASOMA All Star team; the Buckeyes will not have a single player get as many as 300 at bats, and none of them will hit higher than .243. Other than Carpenter, who went 59-3 in 68 starts, the Buckeyes had no one get more than 5 wins. But the Buckeyes will again take advantage of their park, and with the use of 13 relievers a game (including Carpenter every game, including the 4 he started) will keep the series close before falling in 6 games.

All hail the Rhinos!