Playoffs Preview

This weekend at WTF Field in Waxahachie, the top six NASOMA teams will spend some time trying to remember how to roll dice and find the results on their cards. They've spent this past week trying to FIND their cards.

Here's the lowdown on the six playoff teams...

Seed 6 - The Fungoes. The Fungoes have won a title before (2006), so he's lost all the motivation to win again. And it's a good thing. To win this, the Fungoes would have to beat, in order, the Rhinos (105 wins), the DVs (112 wins), and most likely the Buckeyes (109 wins). Fat chance. The team had no one score 100 runs, no one drive in 100, no one hit 30 homers, and even no one hit 30 doubles. Apparently, Clayton Kershaw carried this team on his shoulders to the post season. He can set down that load now; the season ends with a first round loss to the Rhinos. It's probably for the best - he can spend his weekend being host and keeping the rest of us from rummaging through his collection of sex tapes.

Seed 5 - The Drillers. To answer the most frequently asked question, "Yes, the Drillers are still in the league." It's been more than a decade, but the Drillers have won two titles. And while the Tweeners are flying in from Kentucky, they will still get to WTF hours ahead of the Driller Dude. The Drillers are led on offense by Jacoby Ellsbury, Evan Longoria, and Yadier Molina. The Drillers open against the Tweeners, and actually won the season series 6-4, but at least half those games were played via the Quick Play option. Now he has to find that cheating white die.

Seed 4 - The Tweeners. The sentimental favorite to win it all. The Tweeners have finally reached year 30 of his 30 year plan. Michael Morse, Pablo Sandoval, and Victor Martinez lead the offense while King Felix is the top pitcher. The Tweener/Driller series might be the most entertaining of the weekend. The cheating white die vs the Mud Die. And while the Tweeners know the rules as well or better than anyone, there is sure to be a lot of, "Hey, does anybody know this... there's runners on the corners, he's back but holding, what happens on a gbA to the pitcher?"

Seed 3 - The Rhinos. Destined for greatness, the Rhinos have used the draft and the trade wires to put together the best lineup in NASOMA history and set the stage for their first title. The question at the beginning of the season was how many records would they break. But the Rhinos "only" won 105 games and didn't even get a bye. Does this mean doom for any team getting in his way now? Or do the Rhinos leave the weekend disappointed, overhwhelmed with questions about his game strategy and filled with self-doubt about his manhood and sexual preference?

Seed 2 - The Buckeyes. As 7 titles can attest, nobody can match wits with the Buckeyes and come out ahead. In the past, he's won with speed, he's won with pitching and defense, and now he's completely come full circle and returned to his overpowering, bandbox homer bashing strategy. Plus, Humber and Hamels both won 20, and Carpenter won 18. David Ortiz anchors (literally) the offense. But the real question is... How the hell is Hunter Pence a major league ballplayer? Have you ever watched him swing a bat? Or run? Or THROW? He throws like a girl! Or worse, he throws like John Wall!!! Anyway, a Buckeye/Rhino second round series would be fun to follow.

Seed 1 - The DVs. After years of spending playoff weekend either playing golf at home or playing with himself in the bathroom after getting spanked in the first round, the DVs are loaded for bear. Unfortunately, they won't be playing the bears. Still, he'll show up with stacks and stacks of every possible match-up involving every possible team. None of it will matter of course, but it WILL slow the game to a crawl, which works in the DVs' favor. They aren't strong on the boards, so transition offense is non-existent. If they're knocking down the 3's, they'll be fine. Otherwise... someone will need to ride back to Tulsa with him. Actually, you'll need to DO the driving. And you'll need to have the suicide hotline number saved on your phone... just in case.

Predictions...

Round 1
Rhinos beat the Fungoes 4-2
Tweeners beat the Drillers 4-3

Round 2
DVs beat the Tweeners 4-2
Rhinos beat the Buckeyes 4-3

World Series
Rhinos beat the DVs 4-1

Hope to see you there!