Making a Mockery of the Draft

This would be so much easier if all the best players hadn't already been taken before they got their first card, but it's time to stop beating that dead horse. Here we go...

1. Nads - Yu Darvish. Well, somebody had to. And even though you have to wait a year for him to get his first card, you do get to watch him. High risk, high reward.


2. Inmates - Doug Fister. While it would be funnier for a guy named Fister to be a Nad, I'm sure there'll be no shortage of Fister jokes after he joins the Waco gang. The Baptist Bowl Choralaires will sing songs devoted to their newest hero, idol, and icon. Well, until he blows his arm out in April.

3. Warpigs - Melky Cabrera. Oh what sad times are these when the third pick of the draft is Melky Effin Cabrera. Even sadder, it's a perfectly sane pick. The Pigs need outfielders, and Cabrera has BY FAR the most at bats of the available outfielders. Plus, he had over 200 hits for a .305 BA. He hit 18 homers. His defense is good, and he can play all three fields. And finally, although it seems like he's been around forever, he's only 26.

4. SuperGoofs - Matt Harrison. A bit of a reach here, but he has several things going for him. He's a Ranger. He's young. He's a lefty starter who had a great year. Sounds like a perfect fit to me. He'll team with fellow Ranger Colby Lewis on the SuperGoofs.

5. Sidewinders - Brett Lawrie. Young third baseman with Toronto. Supposedly good enough to force Jose Bautista off the hot corner and into RF permanently.

6. Tweeners - Cory Luebke. Lefty with 140 innings of top shelf relief. Year of the Tweeners.

7. Fungoes - Darwin Barney. The Fungoes get their shortstop. Barney, 25, plays more 2b, but he's still better defensively at short than any of the available guys with a full season of at bats. And he's younger and hits better. A natural fit. He can play ss at least until next year when he replaces O-Dog at 2b.

8. DVs - Eric Hosmer. Faced with the moment of truth, do the DVs take the reliever they so desperately need? Or do they take the young Royal first sacker they've lusted over? They take Hosmer. Who knew he would last this long? And thus endeth the DV draft plan and hopes of a championship season.

9. Mavs - Yonder Alonso. Moving to Petco Park won't help him any, but getting a full season of at bats will. And Alonso's bat is the real deal.

10. Killer Bees - Gerardo Parra. A 1 in LF who hit .292 with a .357 onbase. What's not to like?

11. Tweeners - Alfredo Aceves. Righty with 114 innings of top shelf relief. Year of the Tweeners.

12. Wahoos - Allen Craig. Powerful young hitter who plays everything except SS and C.

13. Rhinos - Josh Tomlin. The rich get richer.

14. Sidewinders - Jemile Weeks. The Snakes continue to add young offense to go with their outstanding pitching staff.

15. Buckeyes - Alejandro De Aza - Centerfield. Solved.

16. Zaps - Lonnie Chisenhall. When Bautista moves to RF, Chisenhall will be ready.